Thursday, July 29, 2004

Dreaming of Athens and Demented are Go!

I just woke up from a dream where Ort was saying he needed a copy of Demented are Go's Mongoloid on 45. I went to the website for Demented Are Go and that song is not on a 45. Isn't that veird? (Johannes Vander Smut- Austin Power's Goldmember). Anyway, that reminds me to write about last weekend's trip to Athens.
I did run into Ort at Copper Creek Brewery after stopping in for a cool glass of HeifeWeizen. It was about 150 degrees outside and Dylan and I were hot and thirsty. I was about halfway down the beer when Ort ambled in off the sweltering sidewalk. Hannah mosied in not long after that and we all caught up on the latest goings on.
The big Ort news is that Renaldo & Clara were due to be in Athens that very night! I call DJ Hack Renaldo because he is married to a woman named Clara. If you don't know about Renaldo and Clara look up Dylan, Bob/filmography. Anyway, it seems they made the trip from Brazil to stay with Ort for a month. Something got lost in translation and Renaldo & Clara were without digs. I heard from Ort that they had even planned a side trip to Augusta to vist with your humble narrator. Anyway, they ended up taking a car trip to New York and beyond that it is a mystery. I missed them that night I guess as I never got a call from Ort or anyone.
I got a great band/song name from Ort- he has thousands listed- Dance the Tired Clown. How about that for a band name? I like it better than The Neesie Mills Experience.

I visited Devlin Thompson at Bizarro Wuxtry and he schooled me about the latest DVD offering of Don Knotts movies. There is a triolgy that has The Love God and two other Knott's classics on it. I saw the R.Lee Ermy 12" figure (talking) of Gunnery Sgt. Hartmann from Full Metal Jacket. It was way cool but the $36.95 retail put me off. There were Simpson's figures and lots of cool shit tucked away in the best comic store in the world.

While we were there a little bird told me the greatest gossip about the last plantation at which I was employed (in serfdom I like to say). My former Massa was Athens Regional Medical Center where I was enslaved for 11 years. Ms. Betty was my overseer on the Psych Unit and I made lots of friends with the other serfs. I got to know Jack LaLaine real well and he and I kept the place in stitches for a long time. Jack had been there longer than me and he was there after I left. I guess that makes him a WillBee defined as "an employee who was on the job when you came and they will be there when you leave". Anyway, I always figured Jesus would come back before Jack LaLaine left the Psych Unit. The story goes something like this: Jack was pissed off about some new policy or something they were doing on the unit. A couple of weeks ago he had just come on shift and was waiting for report to start. All of sudden he got up and clocked out. He supposedly said something about going home and left. Allegedly, he called the next day and told them he wanted to go on a Leave of Absence.

The "official" story being floated by the overseers seems to leave out the bit about the LOA and makes it look like he walked out with no intention of returning. That's just about typical for that bunch-to spread half the truth around and try to sell it as the Gospel. Anyway, I worry about Jack, this is not like him to actually to walk off from a job he has had for so long.

Hannah and I paid a visit to Batman And Robin. They are the proud parents of Little Hudson O'Donnell who showed up on time and in very good health. Robin is looking healthy and motherly while Paulie (BatMan) is beaming proud. Hudson is a born and bred Southerner even if Mamaandem is from New Yawk. Mamaandem ain't that a happy word? It's a blending of the the phrase Mama and them and it is used in a sentence like this: We saw Mamaandem last night. Translated to: We spent time with mother and the family last night. You can be a true Southerner if you were born in the South but Mamaandem is from someplace else. I think Batman and Robin are going to be good parents because they are starting him off right by raising him in Athens, Ga. BTW, Batman- thanks for the CD's.All of them rock!

We did eat at the Grill and the Taco Stand in the same trip. We made trips to Wuxtry, Junkman's Daughter and X Ray Cafe. I missed Producto, Charlie Mustard, Ed Harris, Patterson Hood, The Globe and the Manhattan. Saved them for next time I guess!

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Ba Da Bing! and watch them clear heels honey!
I went with some friends to a strip club last night and afterwards I came home and took a shower! I still can't feel clean. Augusta, Ga will never be known for its strip clubs as long as the same crew run the joints. For gosh sakes! hire me as a consultant, I'll fix it up quick.

First of all any potential strippers have to pass an IQ test(I know how smart do you have to be to take your clothes off?) You need to be smarter than a box of hair to work for me. If you're going to hustle drinks, you need to be able to at least be personable and able to interact with customers.

Second rule is NO FUCKIN' SKANKS ALLOWED! I saw eight strippers last night and only one was reasonably attractive! The rest were rejects from and Zombie net.There were two that I wanted to pay to put their clothes back on!
This one had a face that was like a halloween mask! Fuckin' Butt Ugly and she was supposed to be one of the better looking ones.
Two had fried eggs for tits and suffered from a malady called "No Assatol".

Third rule is Clean the Fuckin' Stage between the ass shakers! At Fantasy Show Girls, the dancers were writhing around on a dirty stage that had shimmering puddles of moisture that gleamed in the light! EW! They also were picking up money from that nasty stage and it just added to my disgust.
At Fantasy's, I almost got coldcocked with a clear heel. This African Amazon was shaking her pudenda in my friends face and she came across fast with the clear heel. It missed me but by only centimeters!

I've discovered that I have expensive tastes in cigars, coffee, liquor and strippers. Why shouldn't I enjoy the best?
Maybe I'll save my dough and go to the Gold Club in Atlanta. I'll get me a box of St Luis Rey's or Players, order me up a 7&7 and get ready for a good show.

I wonder if gay men have strip clubs like we do? I'm not that interested in seeing a guy take his clothes off. I do it everyday. I just bet you won't see a 300 pound stevadore named Al
wallowing in his bulk on stage. It doesn't happen. You won't see Flabbio writhing in his G-string and mouthing the words to "Hot Girls". I doubt gay men put up with that shit and neither should we. Straight men should take back the strip clubs, oust the perverts and fulfill our dreams of seeing young, firm, beautiful women shaking thier moneymakers!

Sunday, July 04, 2004

Surf, sand, cigars, Sopranos, shitty bands and Helga the She Wolf

We rented a condo at Hilton Head SC for two weeks. The first week Dylan and his pals were supposed to have to themselves as a graduation gift. The first night some oversensitive neighbors called security and we got fined a $100.00 for noise ordinance violations! It appears the kids were having too much fun watching a movie and some old fart ratted them out. I think it might have been the Slovak woman in the lower apartment. She reminds me of Helga, She Wolf of the SS from those old '60's movies about the concentration camps. There were a series of cheapo exploitation films that used German prison camps as a backdrop for nudity, light S&M, and lesbianism.
Anyway, Helga is the likely suspect and I wanted to confront her directly but I had no proof. I did get off a good one within earshot of her- I told Dylan that someone is keeping a sharp eye out for trouble here at Stalag 17.
It wouldn't have been so bad if the owner of the condo wasn't my fucking boss! The security people called Dorf and woke him up at 7 am with this good news. He called my wife right away and pissed in her Captain Crunch! Being married means you share things like Captain Crunch that has been peed in.
We called my brother immediately and had him and his family go down there and stay for the remainder of the week. So here's is thing, Dylan had two girls and two guys with him. Both girls are hot and the guys were going home after two days! If they hadn't had the noise problem, he would have been down there with two girls by himself! As it turned out, he got my brother, his wife, and their children aged 11 and 3. Ha! Ha! He got his sister too but that's not a bad thing!

We got down there on Saturday and Dylan had a bad sunburn. It was the icky kind complete with blisters and oozing junk! He stayed in the house the entire week and played video games.

The beach was beautiful at night. I walked down there one night after a few large 7&7 to smoke my Te Amo cigar. There was a storm on the water and the moon kept hiding behind the clouds. Lightning flashed and the moon was so pretty over the water... I wanted to whisper sweet nothings in my own ear but I'd heard it all before anyway...I could have taken advantage of myself right then and there. I looked so hot with my gut hanging over my belt and my hairy feet.

The Goddess of Thrift was generous this trip. I scored an almost complete set of the Sopranos season 1 on VHS, a copy of The Brady Bunch first album, a copy of a Steam engine recording, and a real cool painting with an Afro Cuban motif. I almost bought a slightly used copy of a Marlon Brando album but turned it down. If I had known he was going to croak...

We saw Spiderman 2 while on the island. It was great and I loved Doc Ock. He was really intense with those mechanical arms. Kirsten Dunst was hot as always.

We ate supper at the King's Wharf Underwater Grotto. It was a decent seafood buffet and dessert bar. There was a twenty foot statue of Neptune watching you while you ate and there were plenty of plastic fish suspended from the ceiling. One of the perk of buying the buffet was you got a "free" ticket to see The Holiday Band. Now dig this, the band is so shitty you have give me a "free" ticket to see them?? WTF? We went in prepared to heckle them and leave but things quickly changed. There were two hotties sitting a table away from us and we kept trying to get Dylan to ask them to dance. They gave him the hairy eyeball more than once but he just didn't get the steam up enough. Finally, Hannah went over and told the cuter one that Dylan would like to dance with her and she squealed with delight. The next thing I know he's got both of them on the floor and moving!
During the break, I requested "Rip it up" by Little Richard and the guy looked at me funny and said they don't know it! WTF? It's I, IV, V, I in any fucking key with a bridge thrown in. How hard can it be? It ain't Mozart!
We endured this band for our children's sake (ain't we good parents!) and even got a few jabs in at them. The bad news is that the guy told me they had been at it for 12 years! 12 years and you ain't learned Little Richard!

A good time was had by all despite the efforts of Helga the She Wolf, shitty bands and bad sunburns. It was time well spent away from work and other fun shit.