Sunday, February 29, 2004

Marital bliss and other delusions

We have this friend who is actively contributing to her own unhappiness by instigating a "trial separation" from her husband. I am not aware that this guy did anything to bring this on but it looks like he's getting the short end of the deal. He hasn't done any of the guaranteed marriage enders like adultery, stealing from her, spousal abuse or excessive drinking. It looks like she might be bored or need a greener pastures.
She gives him the typical female bullshit lines like "trial separation", " we can be friends" and "I don't want to hurt him". These are all convenient loads of crap women tell themselves to sleep better after they unleash the bombs.
If she really doesn't want to hurt him then why did she drive a red hot skewer through his chest? Bullshit! She wants to see him writhing in pain. There is something gratifying about seeing the male in as much pain as possible when she plays innocent on the sidelines.
How about the trite and utterly wicked phrase "We can be friends" I have been hit with that one in my life and it pisses me off. If a man has any self respect at all, he'll tell his tormenter to fuck herself right then. Nothing grows in scorched earth honey!
How about "trial separation"? What a load of shit. He ought to mark it "D" for dead and get on with his thing.
This guy really is getting the better deal in this. Unlike most of us schumcks, he's got a job that is opportunity for major booty! He's the tennis pro at a fancy country club. He'll be getting more ass that Harry Connick Jr. and he gets rid that albatross in the process. Lucky stiff!
If I was him I be sure to send her lots of pictures of me with hot babes! Maybe take a few in the hot tub and show his selfish ex what's she missing!

Thursday, February 26, 2004

"The more you know the more you'll suffer" Masked and Anonymous.

I bought a copy of Bob Dylan's new movie Masked and Anonymous and watched it four times so far. I like it although it is hard to warm up to. Bob wrote the screenplay under a pseudonym and had a hand in directing it. It is about a washed up rock singer named Jack Fate who is in jail for whatever. His manager, Uncle Sweetheart,
bails him out to do a benefit concert for medical relief. The story is set in a mythical country where a civil war has left everyone destitute. There is a dying dictator who turns out to be Jack's father and a cast of wild characters.
On the surface, the movie doesn't seem to make much sense but if you watch several times it becomes more like a Dylan song with strange characters and lots of dry, black humor. Take Penelope Cruzs character she prays alot and does everything in threes. She knocks wood three times for good luck, she has 333 tattooed on her hand. and she crosses herself three times in three positions after she prays. Jeff Bridges plays Tom Friend, a member of the press and an all around nuisance. His relationship with Jack Fate is adversarial much like Dylan's relationship with the press. It is telling when Jack takes a bottle of Jack Daniels and breaks it off to go after Tom Friend at the end of the film. Is this wish fulfillment?
There are some great lines in this movie like when Uncle Sweetheart introduces Jack to "the only Jack Fate cover band in the world 'Simple Twist of Fate'" STOF is playing in a bar and Uncle Sweetheart announces "Not only do we have the Twist of Fate, but the Bugaloo and Cha Cha Cha of Fate-Ladies and Gentlemen -Jack Fate!!!" For the neophyte- STOF is a Bob Dylan song from the 1970's and one he still plays in concert.
There is a scene when Jack is about to enter the gate at the concert site. He has some dialogue with an armed guard who says "They got you for this show?" Jack says "Yeah! I still got a few songs left in me." How telling!
If you want answers about Bob Dylan/Jack Fate from this movie- you'll have either check with the police or wait until the wind blows because the answer is...... blowin' somewhere.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

"Not everybody can be as happy as Rod Stewart."- a Muslim proverb

Thing have settled down for my friend at the pencil factory. He is still having difficulty with his supervisor. Apparently, the boss told him the other day to "Get the lead out" and this led to more animosity. The factory is located in 2, Mississippi between 1, Mississippi and 3, Mississippi. It is often confused with No.2, Mississippi which is actually located between Onepelo and Tupelo. What happened was he sent an order for 10,000 No.2 pencils to Graphite Point, Miss. Instead of 2 Mississippi.. My friend thought he had been canned but now he has a firmer grip on things there. He is sharpening his clerical abilities and hopes to make a point of telling his boss about his improvement.

Smeera is the Guardian of Thrift for the greater Louisville, Kentucky metropolitan area and has recently made an appearance in our humble town. She relates that the Louisville area is in good hands and has been fruitful to the disciples of DAV, Goodwill and Salvation Army. She is also responsible for the Muslim proverb at the head of this missive. Here's the skinny on it: Her parents are traditional Muslims from Bangladesh and can arrange dates for their children. Her father sent her out on a date with a man and even though they had a good time, there was no "spark". Her father asked her later about how it went and she said "Okay" and left it at that. He replied "Not everyone can be as happy as Rod Stewart."

Midgets with canes and Pro wrestling:
My favorite midget with a cane is Samson from Carnival on HBO. Disco Diva did you pick up the tape of last season? Samson is played by Michael Anderson, who was the dancing midget on Twin Peaks.

Midget wrestling? WTF ever happened to midget wrestling? There is no more fun in the world than to watch midgets chase each other around the squared circle. I guess the PC police snatched that one away while I wasn't looking. The only thing more entertaining than midget wrestling is midget porn! I haven't actually watched any midget porn (except for that porno about Santa's elves doing some chick in the back of a limo) but it don't count because there were Christmas trees and Nativity scenes in there too.
I did see a porno at X Mart about Bridgette the Midget, the world's only midget pornstar. I didn't rent it though but I thought somebody bought it for Dicey or was it Deb?

Visit notproud for an online confessional. It is a place where you can anonymously confess your deepest, darkest wants and desires. The seven deadlies are there and I like the Lust offerings the best. It provides a glimpse into the most private desires of a lot of people. I haven't posted yet and am still lurking in the cyber shadows.
See you soon

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Playin' the Wal Mart game at Olive Garden

Jeff at the West Virginia Surf Report website has invented a game called the Wal Mart game. It's pretty simple- you go to any Wal Mart store and count the number of birth defects visible during your shopping trip. You get so many points for a club foot, so many for a hair lip, and so many for other congenital abnormalities. You can calculate the tooth to tattoo ratio. This is an inverse mathematical relationship- the more tattoos someone has the fewer teeth they have. Gunshot wounds, knife wounds and injuries related to attempted rape of bovines counts in the final tally. Goiters, extra fingers and toes, giant facial warts all count.

We played this tonight at Olive garden without meaning to.There was a two year old there with some kinda mushroom growing on her little face! It was gross! Why didn't the parents have this damn thing taken off. It must not be a problem of money. If you can afford Olive Garden you can go downtown and pay 25 cents for a rat to gnaw it off! Some people.
If they don't take care of it soon the other kids will come up to her and think it's a doorbell or a doorknob! WTF?
Somebody else had their Downs child out. It musta been Special ED night at Olive Garden- bring a feeb and get 10% off! Some people will do anything to save 10%
Next time we go we're going to take Uncle Jack with us. He's the best shit slinger at the nursing home and a prolapsed anus. He farts like foghorn and stains furniture. He's a real cut up!
Let's all get together and go. See you there!
Cataloging records, eight tracks, CDs, cassettes and dead relatives.

I bought a copy of For the Record a music cataloging system for the PC. It is Windows driven and fairly easy to use but I don't really like it. It has a quirk that will not allow you to add any punctuation to a category. Instead of Dylan, Bob for an artist's name you have to enter Dylan Bob. It just looks odd to me. There is no cross reference ability on this one either. You can't cross reference Ian McColluch to Echo and the Bunnymen or The Jesus and Mary Chain. BTW, the Jesus and Mary Chain reads as Jand Mchain in my database because the stupid thing only allows space for 15 letters and no special characters like the & (ampersand). I started with this program and will probably use it to the finish. I have 498 artists listed so far and 478 albums and 45's counted. That's A-Dy in the albums and Abba- Costello, Elvis in the 45's. I used this program to get where I am and I don't think it will export very well.
This program doesn't allow for multiple entries of the same record with different covers or matrix numbers. For example. I have four copies of the soundtrack to Gone With The Wind each bearing a different matrix number and release date. Each record is unique but For the Record looks at titles first. I had to get real creative with the titles to get those in.
I am gonna quit bitching about this program and use it until I find something else.

What did the monkey say to the leopard at the card game?
You look like a cheetah to me!

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Great Shimmering Monkey Jizz! What was that?

This fucking gray thing splashed out of the toilet and ran into the wall near the new computer hutch. My son yelled something like "Great balls of Caesar!" and the chase began. The dogs were dumbfounded for a split second until Cleo made the mental leap and then she went tearing ass after it. Dylan ran to let the cat in and she scared the beast back into the kitchen. Gert, Brandy and Cleo worked like a team and chased the thing around the floor. It ran near the laundry basket and hid under Faye's Chieftains T shirt. At this point, I broke a Swiffer over its head and Cleo grabbed it. She shook it until it didn't move and hauled it under the bed. I got the flashlight and looked under the bed. Blood was splattered on the floor and Cleo held onto her prize. We finally talked her away from it and pulled it from under the bed. I wacked it one more time for fun and it was deader than Bob Dole's dick before Viagra.
Of course , we got the sponge mop and a bucket of cleanser to get up the mess before Faye came home.
Faye came home and the Chieftains went in the trash. We debated about telling the women how the thing got in the house. But we decided to not tell would be worse. Faye didn't really know that rats can come up through the toilet and both women looked squeamish at the thought of sitting on the throne. Since we only sit half the time, I guess the odds are less.

A word to the wise- this is the second time I have had rats come into the house via the toilet. Ladies and gentlemen beware or you might get a surprise when dropping the children off at day care!

Monday, February 09, 2004

Chico and the Monkey Man!

On this other website I visit, there is a forum devoted to any subject and these two whiney political junkies are arguing back and forth about the upcoming election. There 's the usual name calling and dissing. I told them they remind me of the Spider monkeys which Bower's dept store used to sell.

A long time ago kids, you could buy Spider monkeys legally. Now you can't because there 's some rumor about a "disease" they carry. Big fucking deal! I had a Spider monkey as a pet and look how I turned out. Ok, maybe that's not a good example!

Anyways, Bower's Department store used to sell them in their pet department. There were two in a cage and they had them housed males with males etc. My brother and I used to beg our parents to shop at Bower's just so we could spend the entire time in the pet section.
The monkeys at Bower's would put on a show that can't be duplicated anywhere. They would try to jerk each off, butt fuck each other and fling shit better than Uncle Jack at the nursing home. One would chase the other around and hold him down while he tried to sodomize him. It was Gay Monkey Porn!
When they weren't honing their cornholing skills, they would sit on a limb and jerk each other off. Great Shining Monkey Jizz!

I owned one of these fine creatures and I think I coined the phrase " You sick little monkey!" Mine was named Chico and he was da man! Chico lived in a cage at my grandmother's house (where I live now) and we used to let him in the house to exercise. Once he pissed on my aunt's head and she had a cow! Another time, he shit in his hand and handed to her. He loved her dearly!
He would eat food pellets and fruit out of your hand and never got aggressive. He was calm and fun to be around. I wish some of my family was like this. It seems like some times I work with monkeys but they aren't fun like Chico.
Chico got sick one day and we took him to the vet. They gave us some kind of medicine but he died despite that. He died an awful death and that's all I have to say about that!

My point is that during this horrible political season there will be a lot of dissing and shit slinging. I'll try to endure it by thinking about Chico and the Bower's monkeys.

Sunday, February 08, 2004

The analog equipment fairies are at it again!

I forgot to mention in my last post that I also inherited an Akai four track reel to reel as well as the Peavey 1200. This week I scored a Teac x-300 two track and over a hundred LPs!
I culled through the records, decided to keep about forty, sixty I set aside for possible sale and the rest are going to the Thrift Goddess's waste can. I have a store where I only dump records and never buy. It's a secret locale known only to the inner circle of Thrift gurus.

I got a call from my Thrift Goddess and third grandmother, Thelma "Kitty" Murphy. She was a friend of my grandmother and knew her from the second grade until she died a few years ago. Kitty was unable to attend my grandma's funeral because she was the victim of a home invasion a few days before the funeral. She went to stay with a cousin and we couldn't locate her.

Anyway, she is 91 years old this month and she said she hadn't been by to see us because she was too busy at bingo! She drives herself too! I talked with her last week and she rattled off all the places she plays: Kroger, Wal Mart, Popeyes, and several more.
She used to square dance on a regular basis but now she plays bingo every day.
She plays a wicked ragtime/boogie woogie piano but she has steadfastly refused to let me tape her. Maybe this will be the year!
Kitty is my Thrift Goddess because she and my grandmother used to take me to the thrift stores all the time. I had the usual reaction of the novice at first- "Ew, someone else wore this! or I hate Elvis Presley! Who plays 78's any more?" After a while I finally got the hang and learned to love it. As a result, I have thrifted up and down the East Coast and in Europe.
Her house is a thrifter's paradise. She has it packed full of stuff and has little paths to and from important places.
I am glad to report that Thrift Goddess and Bingo Queen is still sharp and able to get around.

A Thrifter's Prayer: May you be 91 and still able to cull through records, books and CDs. May you remain sharp but be open to the wonder of cheap plastic toys. May they drag your earthly remains from behind the 2 for 1 records pile and cart you off to the Goodwill in the sky.