Thursday, November 27, 2003

All's Quiet on the Western Front or pass the turkey and the No-Doz.

Thanksgiving was pretty uneventful at Dysfunction Junction. Nobody got trashed and trashed somebody else. The Spawn of Satan was either in a chemical straightjacket or is saving up for a show at Christmas. We had good food and quiet times. But that's not what you're here for....

I did get the dirt on another family in our neighborhood. We've known them for thirty plus years and their dysfunction outdoes ours by light years. Imagine the Clampetts on crack- Ellie doesn't collect "critters" she drags home any and every dick she can. Granny doesn't make moonshine but has lost her hearing in one ear and three fingers on her left hand after the meth lab exploded. Uncle Jed and Jethro cornhole each other during that one week in the month they're not gang bangin' Ellie May.

There are five adult children in the Cootie Factory plus Mom and Pop. There's Ollie, the obese fairy; The jailbird, who has never said no to drugs; Captain Sensible, the only smart one in the group; Lady Lane, she's just wacky; and Clogger, who used to be champion clog dancer until she took up with Tommy Two-Teeth. Clogger and Tommy have swapped body fluids to produce Dristan, their hellacious spawn. The word on the street is that Dristan can outcuss a sailor on shore leave. He learned to talk from one of those Sesame street knock- off toys. You pull the string and the a voice says "The cow says_____" Dristan thinks the cow says "Fuck You" instead of "Moo".

Anyway, the gossip is that Tommy Two-Teeth is a big time crackhead in addition to his winning personality. My brother says Tommy was hanging out at his house until he told him "Your wife said I can have IT anytime I want." My brother told him to leave and don't come back.
I think they both have mental problems, Tommy and my brother because they both want to have sex with the simian. Isn't this illegal in most states?

The icing on the cake, however, is what Tommy Two-teeth said to Mom at the Cootie Factory. He suggested that he, Mom, and Clogger get together for a little pillow talk! How classy is that-a hillbilly incest menge a trois.

Well, that's about all the blog that's fit to blog.
Have a good holiday!

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Michael Jackson is my bitch!

Some lucky con is going to win the Cornhole Lottery soon as the Big Freak is finally behind bars! The arrest warrant has been issued and it's just a matter of time before Whacko Jacko is swapping spit with some tattooed scumbag.

I hate this miserable fuck! I've had ill will towards him since him and his jive-ass brothers invaded the Holy Sanctum of FM radio and proceeded to destroyed it. FM radio in the early '70's was a late night sanctuary for Hendrix and Led Zeppelin fans. It was a place where you could hear whole albums played. It was free of commercials, there were no playlists, and the DJ's ruled. Nobody gave a fine rat's fuck about the FM part of the dial. It was no-man's land. FM was a free space devoid of rules and sanctions. (BTW, Dan Akroyd did a great homage to FM in an early SNL sketch where he played a late night DJ).

I know MJ didn't single handly change anything- he's not that powerful. What did change it was a group of assholes in the music business who allowed this to happen. They are nameless and faceless, he is not.
One day I was loving this trip to No Man's Land and the next it was slowly being invaded by the creatures from the AM dial. They were interloper's who had no business in our turf.

I got pissed again when he bought the rights to the Beatles music. The whole fucking Beatle's catalog! Why did it have to be their music? It may not sound like that big of a deal but this move is worth billions of dollars over time. Whoever owns the catalog gets the royalties from the songs. Example, say a well known car company wants to use "Get Back" for a TV commercial. They pay a hefty fee to the publisher for use and every time the commercial plays it's worth a few cents. Now a few cents isn't much but think about how many times in a 24 hour period this commercial will play. Counting all the potential TV stations in this country alone and if the ad is in heavy rotation it could be in the tens of thousands of times. Small change adds up over time. This is just one song and that's not even counting radio ads.

Nothing in this rant so far is about anything criminal. MJ's been a weirdo what with the skin bleaching, the plastic surgeries and Neverland. Maybe he should change the name to I never say no Land.

There are the allegations of sexual misconduct and he has been successful in keeping them at this level. But now, it looks like the Prosecutor has his smoking gun and it may be a 12 year old cancer victim. A fucking kid with cancer not even the OJ jury could turn a blind eye to this.

I hope the Prosecutor can make the charges stick this time and that the victim won't be bought off. I'm sure Jacko's lawyer is studying the Johnny Cockroach book on underhanded cheap tatics. I've seen this douchebag on TV-I wonder how he sleeps at night? Probably on a pillow stuffed with hundred dollar bills. Maybe Michael's other glove is somewhere nearby!

I am sure there are alot of cons saving their canteen privilidges to buy Vaseline and roses. They are just counting the days until they can give Jacko a Thriller he won't forget!

Friday, November 14, 2003

Alright, Pilgrim, choke down that meal and smile!

Thanksgiving is wonderful holiday for the folks at Dysfunction Junction. There'll be laughter (at not with), good food and plenty of cheer. We'll have much to be thankful for this year, the Beast is now worm fodder, the house is sold, everyone has their health, and we all have jobs.

My semi-retarded sister in law has a job. She finally mastered the phrase "Would you like fries with that?" and is now working in a pool hall. Great balls o' fire! The government's plan to put everyone to work is a success! Even the semi-retarded can be trained.

She and my brother's original plans were to spend the holiday with my cousin and his family. He is a hard core drinker who is shacked up with this chick that looks like Willie Nelson. We call her that and have done it for so long I can't recall her real name. Anyway, Willie and Buck have two hellions of her own so the Demon child would have had company.

But NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Something in the Cosmos failed ,some mechanism, something somewhere?? All plans are off and they are due to spend Thanksgiving with my mother! I really don't mind my brother, his simian companion, and their child.

I have to object to the Demon Child, Spawn of Satan. Spawn is a personality disorder in training. She is working out to join the Personality Disorders Hall of Fame one day. The PDHOF is located in Los Angeles, California near Hollywood. Speaking of Hollywood, the notion of a simian companion is pervasive in the movies
Tarzan had Cheetah, Clint Eastwood had one in those Every Which Way movies, and Ronald Reagan had one in the Bonzo series. There was a whole series of movies using a sort of reversed simian companion theme. The Planet of the Apes franchise is a good example of this.

Anyway, I digress, Thanksgiving I hope will be it's usual parade of bad behaviors, inappropriate comments and gaseous eruptions. Nothing makes Thanksgiving complete like a well-planned loud fart in the middle of the meal.

Pass the Turkey, asshole!

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Strobe light vibes or a trip to X-Mart:

We finally made the trek to X-Mart Disco Diva, Dicey, Lil' Deb and me. I decided to forego the lime green pantsuit and the gorilla mask for this trip. It must be a sign o' the times but I was a little apprehensive.

I was fairly impressed with the layout and the clientele in this porn shop. It was cleaner and much nicer than some others I have seen. (Maybe one day we'll go on a Porn shop tour and present the best and worst).

Anyway, X-Mart did not seem to attract the trench coat crowd. Most of the clients were couples who looked like young professionals and not playground denizens.

We had fun looking at the dildos and marveling at each's sales pitch. We found one that had a built in strobe light (!); several were waterproof for bathtime fun; most were endorsed by adult film stars; one was called a Teal Missile(!) maybe we should be shooting these at the Iraqis. There were the inflatable dolls ( I don't get it??)whips, chains and handcuffs. The coolest things we found were Porn Star action figures! There were several of Sindy somebody and some other stars I never heard of.

We looked for something akin to a My First Makeup Kit but for a vibrator. Maybe it's called My First Dildo Kit or something. It would be for the novice pleasure seeker and would provide detailed instructions on use and care of your "friend".

The DVD and vid prices were way too high. You can get the same stuff on the Internet much cheaper. The rentals prices were cool though- free membership with ID and major credit card. Rental fees were two, three and four dollars according to how long you keep the DVD.

Bumper sticker seen at X-Mart: I am driving this way just to piss you off!

See ya next time!

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

I am kinda pissed off about this whole Jessica Lynchmania that is sweeping the country. There gonna be a movie this week and tonight there 's gonna be an interview with Diane Sawyer. BFD! What the hell's all the fuss about? Jessica went to Iraq, got captured and got rescued. Where's the drama?

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad this young woman went to serve our country and keep it free so I can say what I want. I don't have a problem with her personally. It's just this Mass Media shit- what's it all about? It's the way the Media has made her a hero and invested in a TV movie???? What the fuck?

I think it has to do with "sellability" and not whatever happened in Iraq. Come on, she white, she's young and she's fucking hot. It can't be because she's a woman either. There was another female soldier who was captured, paraded in front of Western journalists, and then rescued. But I am willing to bet she doesn't have TV movie pending. She was the cook from Fort Hood Tx. who hurt her foot. Remember her? I doubt it.

I am not trying to sound ungrateful or whatever. The thing is I know three war heroes personally and none of them ever got a TV show or nothing.

Dr. Floyd O'Neal was captured by the North Koreans during the Korean War. He served seven fucking years in North Korea's worst hellholes and he aint even got a write-up in the paper!
Seven years-courtesy of the N.Koreans! Give me a break.

Sgt Guy Goddard served in three fucking wars- WWII, Korea and Vietnam. He was away from his family so long that I didn't believe he existed until he came home for good. After he retired , he remodeled his house by himself and did a right admirable job. He never got a TV show.

Dave Travis was in WWII on Guada-fucking-canal! Trav killed a bunch of Japs by himself and earned three Bronze Stars! He went on to some other Pacific conflicts but where's the movie about Dave?

I am lucky as hell to have been acquainted with these folks and am grateful to each for his sacrifices. I have truly walked in the company of giants.

Monday, November 03, 2003


This is pretty fucking cool show on HBO. On the surface, it's about a Carnival traveling around during the DustBowl. Beneath the surface, however, is the real story of a battle of Good Vs. Evil.

The landscape of the show is barren, dark, and brooding. There is usually a impending disaster such as a dust storm or tornado looming on the horizon. Samson, the dwarf, is supposedly the leader of the pack and gives orders directly from "Management". "Management" has it's own trailer and sleeps behind a drawn curtain. It has yet to be seen but it spoke during a recent episode. Samson looked like he was in charge until Lodz, the blind mentalist, had a meeting with Management. Samson was asked by "management " to leave.

Ben is a chain gang escapee who has the power to heal. But this power comes at a huge price- as he is healing a small child of polio, the crops around them die as the child is healed. Ben tried to heal his mother of Dust Pneumonia in the first episode but she refused and called him "Satan".

Ben's nemesis is Brother Justin, a defrocked preacher. Brother Justin has a similar power to Ben's but he believes he is "The Left Hand of God". He broke a man's neck in a recent episode and has met Ben in several cool dream sequences.

There is much going on in this show and you need to watch each episode at least twice to get a feel for it. It's got that David Lynch feel- Michael Anderson who played the Dwarf so well on Twin Peaks is Samson. But the script pays homage to Lynch with all kinds of twists and turns and quirky behavior.

Check this show out - it worth the price of a ticket to the Carnival.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

Halloween on Walton's Mountain:

I spent Halloween on Walton's Mountain with Miss Moose, Disco Diva, Peaches, a way too serious grad student and some new parents. We all partied at Miss Moose's house near Olivia and John's house.

The music was very cool because I provided it from my collection. We listened to the soundtrack from The Return of the Living Dead , Donna Summer, Culture Club, Link Wray and the Wraymen, an exercise record from the 1950's, a barbershop quartet salute to the Bicentennial and The Moms and Dads. I also had the Fells, Robots Are Real, and Johnny & the Hurricanes lined up.
We had a Limbo contest complete with the Limbo Rock album by the Crosshairs(?).

Disco Diva looked like$10 million bucks as always. I swear this girl could shine wearing a plastic trashcan liner. She was a flapper and I'll post pics ASAP.

Peaches did a homage to the Scandal de Jour in Augusta, She went as a pregnant homecoming queen just like the one at Richmond Academy. We have our own little Harper Valley PTA here. We called Peaches the Ho-coming Queen.

Miss Moose went as Georgie Shrub (Bush) complete with a knife through the skull. Don't tell John Ashcroft or Miss Moose may become Missing Miss Moose! We'll search for her in the Gulag later.

I dressed in a lovely lime green pantsuit from the '70's. I had a gold lame' blouse and a gorilla mask. I had a beautiful wool wrap but it was 75 degrees so I ditched it.

Disco Diva, Peaches and I went to Bi-lo to get more wine. We had fun annoying the customers and acting the fool. I didn't talk the whole time I just made monkey sounds and scratched myself. I went over to the produce department and fondled the bananas while Disco Diva and Peaches went to get wine. The employees got a kick out of the whole show.

I made my now infamous Kitty Litter cake and served it at the party. It has two kinds of cake, vanilla pudding and melted Tootsie Rolls and is served in real cat litter box. It looked too real for some folks but Disco Diva said "This is the best shit I ever had".

I'll try to post pictures on the LEMA site so stay tuned!

G'day mate! I'm off to put some joey on the barbie!