Marital bliss and other delusions

We have this friend who is actively contributing to her own unhappiness by instigating a "trial separation" from her husband. I am not aware that this guy did anything to bring this on but it looks like he's getting the short end of the deal. He hasn't done any of the guaranteed marriage enders like adultery, stealing from her, spousal abuse or excessive drinking. It looks like she might be bored or need a greener pastures.
She gives him the typical female bullshit lines like "trial separation", " we can be friends" and "I don't want to hurt him". These are all convenient loads of crap women tell themselves to sleep better after they unleash the bombs.
If she really doesn't want to hurt him then why did she drive a red hot skewer through his chest? Bullshit! She wants to see him writhing in pain. There is something gratifying about seeing the male in as much pain as possible when she plays innocent on the sidelines.
How about the trite and utterly wicked phrase "We can be friends" I have been hit with that one in my life and it pisses me off. If a man has any self respect at all, he'll tell his tormenter to fuck herself right then. Nothing grows in scorched earth honey!
How about "trial separation"? What a load of shit. He ought to mark it "D" for dead and get on with his thing.
This guy really is getting the better deal in this. Unlike most of us schumcks, he's got a job that is opportunity for major booty! He's the tennis pro at a fancy country club. He'll be getting more ass that Harry Connick Jr. and he gets rid that albatross in the process. Lucky stiff!
If I was him I be sure to send her lots of pictures of me with hot babes! Maybe take a few in the hot tub and show his selfish ex what's she missing!

"The more you know the more you'll suffer" Masked and Anonymous.

I bought a copy of Bob Dylan's new movie Masked and Anonymous and watched it four times so far. I like it although it is hard to warm up to. Bob wrote the screenplay under a pseudonym and had a hand in directing it. It is about a washed up rock singer named Jack Fate who is in jail for whatever. His manager, Uncle Sweetheart,
bails him out to do a benefit concert for medical relief. The story is set in a mythical country where a civil war has left everyone destitute. There is a dying dictator who turns out to be Jack's father and a cast of wild characters.
On the surface, the movie doesn't seem to make much sense but if you watch several times it becomes more like a Dylan song with strange characters and lots of dry, black humor. Take Penelope Cruzs character she prays alot and does everything in threes. She knocks wood three times for good luck, she has 333 tattooed on her hand. and she crosses herself three times in three positions after she prays. Jeff Bridges plays Tom Friend, a member of the press and an all around nuisance. His relationship with Jack Fate is adversarial much like Dylan's relationship with the press. It is telling when Jack takes a bottle of Jack Daniels and breaks it off to go after Tom Friend at the end of the film. Is this wish fulfillment?
There are some great lines in this movie like when Uncle Sweetheart introduces Jack to "the only Jack Fate cover band in the world 'Simple Twist of Fate'" STOF is playing in a bar and Uncle Sweetheart announces "Not only do we have the Twist of Fate, but the Bugaloo and Cha Cha Cha of Fate-Ladies and Gentlemen -Jack Fate!!!" For the neophyte- STOF is a Bob Dylan song from the 1970's and one he still plays in concert.
There is a scene when Jack is about to enter the gate at the concert site. He has some dialogue with an armed guard who says "They got you for this show?" Jack says "Yeah! I still got a few songs left in me." How telling!
If you want answers about Bob Dylan/Jack Fate from this movie- you'll have either check with the police or wait until the wind blows because the answer is...... blowin' somewhere.

"Not everybody can be as happy as Rod Stewart."- a Muslim proverb

Thing have settled down for my friend at the pencil factory. He is still having difficulty with his supervisor. Apparently, the boss told him the other day to "Get the lead out" and this led to more animosity. The factory is located in 2, Mississippi between 1, Mississippi and 3, Mississippi. It is often confused with No.2, Mississippi which is actually located between Onepelo and Tupelo. What happened was he sent an order for 10,000 No.2 pencils to Graphite Point, Miss. Instead of 2 Mississippi.. My friend thought he had been canned but now he has a firmer grip on things there. He is sharpening his clerical abilities and hopes to make a point of telling his boss about his improvement.

Smeera is the Guardian of Thrift for the greater Louisville, Kentucky metropolitan area and has recently made an appearance in our humble town. She relates that the Louisville area is in good hands and has been fruitful to the disciples of DAV, Goodwill and Salvation Army. She is also responsible for the Muslim proverb at the head of this missive. Here's the skinny on it: Her parents are traditional Muslims from Bangladesh and can arrange dates for their children. Her father sent her out on a date with a man and even though they had a good time, there was no "spark". Her father asked her later about how it went and she said "Okay" and left it at that. He replied "Not everyone can be as happy as Rod Stewart."

Midgets with canes and Pro wrestling:
My favorite midget with a cane is Samson from Carnival on HBO. Disco Diva did you pick up the tape of last season? Samson is played by Michael Anderson, who was the dancing midget on Twin Peaks.

Midget wrestling? WTF ever happened to midget wrestling? There is no more fun in the world than to watch midgets chase each other around the squared circle. I guess the PC police snatched that one away while I wasn't looking. The only thing more entertaining than midget wrestling is midget porn! I haven't actually watched any midget porn (except for that porno about Santa's elves doing some chick in the back of a limo) but it don't count because there were Christmas trees and Nativity scenes in there too.
I did see a porno at X Mart about Bridgette the Midget, the world's only midget pornstar. I didn't rent it though but I thought somebody bought it for Dicey or was it Deb?

Visit notproud for an online confessional. It is a place where you can anonymously confess your deepest, darkest wants and desires. The seven deadlies are there and I like the Lust offerings the best. It provides a glimpse into the most private desires of a lot of people. I haven't posted yet and am still lurking in the cyber shadows.
See you soon

Playin' the Wal Mart game at Olive Garden

Jeff at the West Virginia Surf Report website has invented a game called the Wal Mart game. It's pretty simple- you go to any Wal Mart store and count the number of birth defects visible during your shopping trip. You get so many points for a club foot, so many for a hair lip, and so many for other congenital abnormalities. You can calculate the tooth to tattoo ratio. This is an inverse mathematical relationship- the more tattoos someone has the fewer teeth they have. Gunshot wounds, knife wounds and injuries related to attempted rape of bovines counts in the final tally. Goiters, extra fingers and toes, giant facial warts all count.

We played this tonight at Olive garden without meaning to.There was a two year old there with some kinda mushroom growing on her little face! It was gross! Why didn't the parents have this damn thing taken off. It must not be a problem of money. If you can afford Olive Garden you can go downtown and pay 25 cents for a rat to gnaw it off! Some people.
If they don't take care of it soon the other kids will come up to her and think it's a doorbell or a doorknob! WTF?
Somebody else had their Downs child out. It musta been Special ED night at Olive Garden- bring a feeb and get 10% off! Some people will do anything to save 10%
Next time we go we're going to take Uncle Jack with us. He's the best shit slinger at the nursing home and a prolapsed anus. He farts like foghorn and stains furniture. He's a real cut up!
Let's all get together and go. See you there!

Cataloging records, eight tracks, CDs, cassettes and dead relatives.

I bought a copy of For the Record a music cataloging system for the PC. It is Windows driven and fairly easy to use but I don't really like it. It has a quirk that will not allow you to add any punctuation to a category. Instead of Dylan, Bob for an artist's name you have to enter Dylan Bob. It just looks odd to me. There is no cross reference ability on this one either. You can't cross reference Ian McColluch to Echo and the Bunnymen or The Jesus and Mary Chain. BTW, the Jesus and Mary Chain reads as Jand Mchain in my database because the stupid thing only allows space for 15 letters and no special characters like the & (ampersand). I started with this program and will probably use it to the finish. I have 498 artists listed so far and 478 albums and 45's counted. That's A-Dy in the albums and Abba- Costello, Elvis in the 45's. I used this program to get where I am and I don't think it will export very well.
This program doesn't allow for multiple entries of the same record with different covers or matrix numbers. For example. I have four copies of the soundtrack to Gone With The Wind each bearing a different matrix number and release date. Each record is unique but For the Record looks at titles first. I had to get real creative with the titles to get those in.
I am gonna quit bitching about this program and use it until I find something else.

What did the monkey say to the leopard at the card game?
You look like a cheetah to me!

Great Shimmering Monkey Jizz! What was that?

This fucking gray thing splashed out of the toilet and ran into the wall near the new computer hutch. My son yelled something like "Great balls of Caesar!" and the chase began. The dogs were dumbfounded for a split second until Cleo made the mental leap and then she went tearing ass after it. Dylan ran to let the cat in and she scared the beast back into the kitchen. Gert, Brandy and Cleo worked like a team and chased the thing around the floor. It ran near the laundry basket and hid under Faye's Chieftains T shirt. At this point, I broke a Swiffer over its head and Cleo grabbed it. She shook it until it didn't move and hauled it under the bed. I got the flashlight and looked under the bed. Blood was splattered on the floor and Cleo held onto her prize. We finally talked her away from it and pulled it from under the bed. I wacked it one more time for fun and it was deader than Bob Dole's dick before Viagra.
Of course , we got the sponge mop and a bucket of cleanser to get up the mess before Faye came home.
Faye came home and the Chieftains went in the trash. We debated about telling the women how the thing got in the house. But we decided to not tell would be worse. Faye didn't really know that rats can come up through the toilet and both women looked squeamish at the thought of sitting on the throne. Since we only sit half the time, I guess the odds are less.

A word to the wise- this is the second time I have had rats come into the house via the toilet. Ladies and gentlemen beware or you might get a surprise when dropping the children off at day care!

Chico and the Monkey Man!

On this other website I visit, there is a forum devoted to any subject and these two whiney political junkies are arguing back and forth about the upcoming election. There 's the usual name calling and dissing. I told them they remind me of the Spider monkeys which Bower's dept store used to sell.

A long time ago kids, you could buy Spider monkeys legally. Now you can't because there 's some rumor about a "disease" they carry. Big fucking deal! I had a Spider monkey as a pet and look how I turned out. Ok, maybe that's not a good example!

Anyways, Bower's Department store used to sell them in their pet department. There were two in a cage and they had them housed males with males etc. My brother and I used to beg our parents to shop at Bower's just so we could spend the entire time in the pet section.
The monkeys at Bower's would put on a show that can't be duplicated anywhere. They would try to jerk each off, butt fuck each other and fling shit better than Uncle Jack at the nursing home. One would chase the other around and hold him down while he tried to sodomize him. It was Gay Monkey Porn!
When they weren't honing their cornholing skills, they would sit on a limb and jerk each other off. Great Shining Monkey Jizz!

I owned one of these fine creatures and I think I coined the phrase " You sick little monkey!" Mine was named Chico and he was da man! Chico lived in a cage at my grandmother's house (where I live now) and we used to let him in the house to exercise. Once he pissed on my aunt's head and she had a cow! Another time, he shit in his hand and handed to her. He loved her dearly!
He would eat food pellets and fruit out of your hand and never got aggressive. He was calm and fun to be around. I wish some of my family was like this. It seems like some times I work with monkeys but they aren't fun like Chico.
Chico got sick one day and we took him to the vet. They gave us some kind of medicine but he died despite that. He died an awful death and that's all I have to say about that!

My point is that during this horrible political season there will be a lot of dissing and shit slinging. I'll try to endure it by thinking about Chico and the Bower's monkeys.

The analog equipment fairies are at it again!

I forgot to mention in my last post that I also inherited an Akai four track reel to reel as well as the Peavey 1200. This week I scored a Teac x-300 two track and over a hundred LPs!
I culled through the records, decided to keep about forty, sixty I set aside for possible sale and the rest are going to the Thrift Goddess's waste can. I have a store where I only dump records and never buy. It's a secret locale known only to the inner circle of Thrift gurus.

I got a call from my Thrift Goddess and third grandmother, Thelma "Kitty" Murphy. She was a friend of my grandmother and knew her from the second grade until she died a few years ago. Kitty was unable to attend my grandma's funeral because she was the victim of a home invasion a few days before the funeral. She went to stay with a cousin and we couldn't locate her.


Anyway, she is 91 years old this month and she said she hadn't been by to see us because she was too busy at bingo! She drives herself too! I talked with her last week and she rattled off all the places she plays: Kroger, Wal Mart, Popeyes, and several more.
She used to square dance on a regular basis but now she plays bingo every day.
She plays a wicked ragtime/boogie woogie piano but she has steadfastly refused to let me tape her. Maybe this will be the year!
Kitty is my Thrift Goddess because she and my grandmother used to take me to the thrift stores all the time. I had the usual reaction of the novice at first- "Ew, someone else wore this! or I hate Elvis Presley! Who plays 78's any more?" After a while I finally got the hang and learned to love it. As a result, I have thrifted up and down the East Coast and in Europe.
Her house is a thrifter's paradise. She has it packed full of stuff and has little paths to and from important places.
I am glad to report that Thrift Goddess and Bingo Queen is still sharp and able to get around.

A Thrifter's Prayer: May you be 91 and still able to cull through records, books and CDs. May you remain sharp but be open to the wonder of cheap plastic toys. May they drag your earthly remains from behind the 2 for 1 records pile and cart you off to the Goodwill in the sky.

Rock n roll memorabilia and other stuff.

The deal was finalized today and I now own the Peavey 1200 twelve channel mixing board that REM and Jason and the Nashville Scorchers used for the legendary show at the lunchroom at Augusta College in 1982. Notice I said Nashville Scorchers. They dropped the Nashville off the name later on. But in 1982, they were Jason and the Nashville Scorchers and Reckless Country Soul had just been released.

I don't remember the exact date but it was likely April or May of that year. Rem was on the Pilgrimage Tour (their second!) and Jason and the Nashville Scorchers were not known in these parts. Chronic Town was probably in can and due to be released in August 1982.

The cafeteria show was the brain child of Mike Webb who was commuting between Augusta and Athens to go to school. We were hanging out, listening to the Clash , Sex Pistols, rem, Pylon and X. Mike knew the bands fairly well and set up the deal for them to play the cafeteria. He and I went before the Student Council and told them it would be an rem and Jason show. They balked at first but after we badgered the hell out of them, the show was on.

The day of the show I get a frantic call from Mike. Neither band owned a mixing board and could not play without it. Did I know where we could borrow a board at the 11th hour? Of course, I made a call to some other gifted musicians, Kathleen and George Cartledge and borrowed their board (the Peavey 1200). Everything was cool!
We dropped the board off at the soundcheck and returned later for the show. This show is legendary around these parts. Jason and the Nashville Scorchers played a smokin' set that would become their trademark to this day. Warner Hodges wrapped himself in guitar cables and shoved cigarettes in his nose! Rem played like there was no tomorrow. We danced and danced and had the time of our lives.

Somewhere during all this mayhem, the volume faders were pushed to maxium and two LED meters blew out. That's not a big thing and it didn't stop the show. But it's not cool to fuck up any equipment especially borrowed gear. George talked with rem after the show and told them it happened during their set. They were cool and agreed to pay for the damages. Two weeks later , he gets a check from the band to pay for the gear. They weren't making big bucks at this time so I imagine it hurt a little to pony up the money.

I wish George had made a copy of the check before he cashed it. I think that would make this story just a little cooler.

I have two pieces of Rock n roll memorabilia in the studio. In addition to the Peavey 1200, I have a cassette deck that Jack Logan and Rob Veal used to mix down Bulk. Maybe between these two pieces of equipment some good karma will rain down on the sounds I create.

Nappy Head Gear- Happy New Year!

Maybe this is the year Pete Rose finally makes it to the Hall of Fame? I wouldn't hold my breath- He 's about as sincere as carney at Midway game. I wanted to believe in him until he opened his mouth- he sounds like any alcoholic or drug addict. If his mouth is open he's lying! He just don't get it! He's a gambler pure and simple and he ain't gonna change. He bet on the game and his own team and it says in big block letters in the clubhouse- if you do this you get banished for life. No Cooperstown for you Bub!

D. J Hack has done it again. Somehow, he persuaded the Vultures Motorcycle club somewhere in Brazil to have their picture taken with the Barking Cat logo. Please go to our website listed somewhere around here to see the pic. But not this minute because I haven't posted it yeti.
He says it ain't much of a motorcycle club as they one have one bike per ten guys!! But the bike they do have is very cool-it's got Batman designs and some kind of castle on the trailer. I guess it's a portable castle and we all know how handy those are! Thanks Vultures!

The Goddess of Thrift (Saint Gertrude of the Alley) has been good to yours truly of late. I scored a Johnny Cash I walk the Line lp on Columbia, a Pink Panther nightlite from the '60's (it works!), a 45 rpm of "Telephone Man" by Meri Wilson ( Hey Lolly Lolly, it's the Telephone Man), two Video discs from the '80's (The Firesign Theater and The Magnificent Seven) and a stack of '78's. I would like to thrift in Brazil with DJ hack and the Vultures!

Good luck in 2004!

My Christmas wish- Michael Jackson amd Saddam Hussein in the same damn jail cell!

It ain't gonna happen in 2003 but maybe by 2010, these two boils on the ass of humanity will swappin' spit and Valentines in federal prison near you!
I couldn't believe when they flashed this asshole's mug on the screen early Sunday morning. He looked like he'd been buttfucked by several camels and left for dead. He looked like one of the homeless guys who panhandle near the 5th Street bridge. This guy was a dictator??? I guess all these punks look small and insignificant without their guns and bodyguards.

What punishment for him? First off, he can't be killed but once so the death penalty is rather moot. He definitely deserves it but it seems trivial since he can only die once.
He needs to be kept out of the International Court at the Hague because those pussies have no backbone or credibilty. He won't get the death penalty there. He needs to be tried in an Iraqui court by an American/Iraqui tribunal and given a fair trial. After that he needs to be visited by some Kurdish families who lost love ones in the 1988 massacre. Or he could be housed in an isolation cell near some Kurdish prisoners. Sometimes the threat of violence is more effective than the actual event.

Maybe since he hates the West so much we could house him at San Quentin or Atlanta and make him watch American TV on a daily basis. The TV would never be turned off and he would be bombarded with Western decadence until he begs for death. Could you imagine Jerry Springer, soap operas and inane commercials day and night for years? At first he wouldn't get it but after so much exposure to the language and culture, he would begin to crack. We could make him watch bad TV movies and car ads and Fran Drescher!!!!

I think this is a viable alternative to death penalty and is a fitting punishment for someone like him!

I am still stuck in this episode of Sick and can't seem to get out of it. I finally broke down and went to the doctor on Wednesday. They gave me Zithromax and another decongestant for something called Sinobronchial Syndrome. I don't give a fuck what it is called just get my head to stop pounding! I am blowing shit outta my head that is plain purelent! I am coughing up bits and pieces of lung and I swear a small piece of bronchiole went flying across the room yesterday. The kitten grabbed it and ran off with it! I think I may need that piece of lung later you fucking cat! I will go look for my missing lung when my head stops pounding.

I have missed 7 consecutive days at work and that is a recent record. I think I may have missed almost that many when I worked as an Ober Shite Meister at the psych unit. An Ober Shite Meister roughly translates into "He who is Boss of the Shit" in German.

I think this is what we used to call a sinus infection and I haven't had one like this in about ten years. I used to keep them on a regular basis and could count on having about four bouts a year. We used to have small children and I think I kept a serious sinus infection for about a year and a half. I hated to have them damn things because I worked with a bunch of people who never got them. When you don't get 'em you don't understand the pain!

I also used to go to a Nurse practitioner for treatment and she was a fucking imbecile. Nazi Nancy was sure there were no treatments for sinus infections or vasomotor rhinitis or whatever this shit is. She always prescribed the same shit- amoxicillin and some decongestant. Amoxicillin is for lame ass infections like a small cut or scratches. Amoxicillin can't handle the big boys of the germ world.

The weird thing about all these germs is that they are fucking getting resistant to drugs. Nazi Nancy didn't get that- she had her head up her ass as far as new treatments go. She finally got tired of seeing me- I could tell- she'd give me that "why are you here whining on my doorstep " look. Fucking bitch! I hope she gets a sinus infection that never goes away.


I have been able to keep them at bay for a good while. Thank God I found an ear nose and throat specialist who knew how to treat this shit. I am also glad that some researchers have developed new meds to deal with this. Flonase has been a blessing.


Well, my head is back to pounding and I am off to the couch for more great TV entertainment! Fran Drescher is chasing me around the room yelling "My Fazizzle has gone Flamizzle!" help!!!!

VYVYAN: [comes back with a duffle bag] I'm afraid I couldn't find any needles, so we'll have to use 6-inch nails.

RICK: Vyvyan, you can't do acupuncture with 6-inch nails.

This is from an episode of The Young Ones called Sick and that's where I am right now. I've got this virus or whatever that going around. My fucking head is killing me, my throat feels like somebody seared it with a blowtorch and I hurt all over. I mean even my teeth hurt. I brushed my hair this morning and it felt like someone was yanking it out by the roots.

In case you are wondering, The Young Ones ran for about two seasons on British TV. It was hilarious and dreadful at times. The story centered around four male students who shared a flat. Neil was a fucking hippy and everyone hated him, Mike was "normal" he was a womanizing, beer swilling capitalist, Rick had a hard -on for Cliff Richards literally and quoted Cliff in every political discussion. Vyvyian was a hardcore heavy metal freak who enjoyed smashing walls and furniture. I think this show had flashes of brilliance and mediocrity at the same time. Catch it if you can it's worth the time.

Today's offering will be short and probably off the mark-but it is hard to tap keys through a fucking head full of pain and mucus.

What's with this Paris Trout sex video? I heard about it on the 'net and I think I tried to watch a clip or something. I couldn't tell anything it just looked like two people screwing. The clip I saw was dark and not very good.
Ain't she that rich gal who went to Green Acres or something? I liked Green Acres but it never spoke to the deviant inside me like Gilligan's Island did. I mean think of the possibilities for sexual hijinks on Gilligan's Island It's a porno waiting to happen.

I know her name isn't Paris Trout either, it's Paris Hilton. Paris Trout was one of the most reprehensible characters any writer ever created. The movie stars Dennis Hopper as Paris Trout and he is one hateful SOB. I had to quit watching this one because I got too grossed out by his actions. Rent it sometime if you are ever in too good a mood!

Well, the Nyquil, Tylenol #3, herbal tea, and other meds are kicking in. I am off to sleep now and if I live through this I'll see you on the other side!

All's Quiet on the Western Front or pass the turkey and the No-Doz.

Thanksgiving was pretty uneventful at Dysfunction Junction. Nobody got trashed and trashed somebody else. The Spawn of Satan was either in a chemical straightjacket or is saving up for a show at Christmas. We had good food and quiet times. But that's not what you're here for....

I did get the dirt on another family in our neighborhood. We've known them for thirty plus years and their dysfunction outdoes ours by light years. Imagine the Clampetts on crack- Ellie doesn't collect "critters" she drags home any and every dick she can. Granny doesn't make moonshine but has lost her hearing in one ear and three fingers on her left hand after the meth lab exploded. Uncle Jed and Jethro cornhole each other during that one week in the month they're not gang bangin' Ellie May.

There are five adult children in the Cootie Factory plus Mom and Pop. There's Ollie, the obese fairy; The jailbird, who has never said no to drugs; Captain Sensible, the only smart one in the group; Lady Lane, she's just wacky; and Clogger, who used to be champion clog dancer until she took up with Tommy Two-Teeth. Clogger and Tommy have swapped body fluids to produce Dristan, their hellacious spawn. The word on the street is that Dristan can outcuss a sailor on shore leave. He learned to talk from one of those Sesame street knock- off toys. You pull the string and the a voice says "The cow says_____" Dristan thinks the cow says "Fuck You" instead of "Moo".

Anyway, the gossip is that Tommy Two-Teeth is a big time crackhead in addition to his winning personality. My brother says Tommy was hanging out at his house until he told him "Your wife said I can have IT anytime I want." My brother told him to leave and don't come back.
I think they both have mental problems, Tommy and my brother because they both want to have sex with the simian. Isn't this illegal in most states?

The icing on the cake, however, is what Tommy Two-teeth said to Mom at the Cootie Factory. He suggested that he, Mom, and Clogger get together for a little pillow talk! How classy is that-a hillbilly incest menge a trois.

Well, that's about all the blog that's fit to blog.
Have a good holiday!

Michael Jackson is my bitch!

Some lucky con is going to win the Cornhole Lottery soon as the Big Freak is finally behind bars! The arrest warrant has been issued and it's just a matter of time before Whacko Jacko is swapping spit with some tattooed scumbag.

I hate this miserable fuck! I've had ill will towards him since him and his jive-ass brothers invaded the Holy Sanctum of FM radio and proceeded to destroyed it. FM radio in the early '70's was a late night sanctuary for Hendrix and Led Zeppelin fans. It was a place where you could hear whole albums played. It was free of commercials, there were no playlists, and the DJ's ruled. Nobody gave a fine rat's fuck about the FM part of the dial. It was no-man's land. FM was a free space devoid of rules and sanctions. (BTW, Dan Akroyd did a great homage to FM in an early SNL sketch where he played a late night DJ).

I know MJ didn't single handly change anything- he's not that powerful. What did change it was a group of assholes in the music business who allowed this to happen. They are nameless and faceless, he is not.
One day I was loving this trip to No Man's Land and the next it was slowly being invaded by the creatures from the AM dial. They were interloper's who had no business in our turf.

I got pissed again when he bought the rights to the Beatles music. The whole fucking Beatle's catalog! Why did it have to be their music? It may not sound like that big of a deal but this move is worth billions of dollars over time. Whoever owns the catalog gets the royalties from the songs. Example, say a well known car company wants to use "Get Back" for a TV commercial. They pay a hefty fee to the publisher for use and every time the commercial plays it's worth a few cents. Now a few cents isn't much but think about how many times in a 24 hour period this commercial will play. Counting all the potential TV stations in this country alone and if the ad is in heavy rotation it could be in the tens of thousands of times. Small change adds up over time. This is just one song and that's not even counting radio ads.

Nothing in this rant so far is about anything criminal. MJ's been a weirdo what with the skin bleaching, the plastic surgeries and Neverland. Maybe he should change the name to I never say no Land.

There are the allegations of sexual misconduct and he has been successful in keeping them at this level. But now, it looks like the Prosecutor has his smoking gun and it may be a 12 year old cancer victim. A fucking kid with cancer not even the OJ jury could turn a blind eye to this.

I hope the Prosecutor can make the charges stick this time and that the victim won't be bought off. I'm sure Jacko's lawyer is studying the Johnny Cockroach book on underhanded cheap tatics. I've seen this douchebag on TV-I wonder how he sleeps at night? Probably on a pillow stuffed with hundred dollar bills. Maybe Michael's other glove is somewhere nearby!

I am sure there are alot of cons saving their canteen privilidges to buy Vaseline and roses. They are just counting the days until they can give Jacko a Thriller he won't forget!

Alright, Pilgrim, choke down that meal and smile!

Thanksgiving is wonderful holiday for the folks at Dysfunction Junction. There'll be laughter (at not with), good food and plenty of cheer. We'll have much to be thankful for this year, the Beast is now worm fodder, the house is sold, everyone has their health, and we all have jobs.

My semi-retarded sister in law has a job. She finally mastered the phrase "Would you like fries with that?" and is now working in a pool hall. Great balls o' fire! The government's plan to put everyone to work is a success! Even the semi-retarded can be trained.

She and my brother's original plans were to spend the holiday with my cousin and his family. He is a hard core drinker who is shacked up with this chick that looks like Willie Nelson. We call her that and have done it for so long I can't recall her real name. Anyway, Willie and Buck have two hellions of her own so the Demon child would have had company.

But NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Something in the Cosmos failed ,some mechanism, something somewhere?? All plans are off and they are due to spend Thanksgiving with my mother! I really don't mind my brother, his simian companion, and their child.

I have to object to the Demon Child, Spawn of Satan. Spawn is a personality disorder in training. She is working out to join the Personality Disorders Hall of Fame one day. The PDHOF is located in Los Angeles, California near Hollywood. Speaking of Hollywood, the notion of a simian companion is pervasive in the movies
Tarzan had Cheetah, Clint Eastwood had one in those Every Which Way movies, and Ronald Reagan had one in the Bonzo series. There was a whole series of movies using a sort of reversed simian companion theme. The Planet of the Apes franchise is a good example of this.

Anyway, I digress, Thanksgiving I hope will be it's usual parade of bad behaviors, inappropriate comments and gaseous eruptions. Nothing makes Thanksgiving complete like a well-planned loud fart in the middle of the meal.

Pass the Turkey, asshole!

Strobe light vibes or a trip to X-Mart:

We finally made the trek to X-Mart Disco Diva, Dicey, Lil' Deb and me. I decided to forego the lime green pantsuit and the gorilla mask for this trip. It must be a sign o' the times but I was a little apprehensive.

I was fairly impressed with the layout and the clientele in this porn shop. It was cleaner and much nicer than some others I have seen. (Maybe one day we'll go on a Porn shop tour and present the best and worst).

Anyway, X-Mart did not seem to attract the trench coat crowd. Most of the clients were couples who looked like young professionals and not playground denizens.

We had fun looking at the dildos and marveling at each's sales pitch. We found one that had a built in strobe light (!); several were waterproof for bathtime fun; most were endorsed by adult film stars; one was called a Teal Missile(!) maybe we should be shooting these at the Iraqis. There were the inflatable dolls ( I don't get it??)whips, chains and handcuffs. The coolest things we found were Porn Star action figures! There were several of Sindy somebody and some other stars I never heard of.

We looked for something akin to a My First Makeup Kit but for a vibrator. Maybe it's called My First Dildo Kit or something. It would be for the novice pleasure seeker and would provide detailed instructions on use and care of your "friend".

The DVD and vid prices were way too high. You can get the same stuff on the Internet much cheaper. The rentals prices were cool though- free membership with ID and major credit card. Rental fees were two, three and four dollars according to how long you keep the DVD.

Bumper sticker seen at X-Mart: I am driving this way just to piss you off!

See ya next time!

I am kinda pissed off about this whole Jessica Lynchmania that is sweeping the country. There gonna be a movie this week and tonight there 's gonna be an interview with Diane Sawyer. BFD! What the hell's all the fuss about? Jessica went to Iraq, got captured and got rescued. Where's the drama?

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad this young woman went to serve our country and keep it free so I can say what I want. I don't have a problem with her personally. It's just this Mass Media shit- what's it all about? It's the way the Media has made her a hero and invested in a TV movie???? What the fuck?

I think it has to do with "sellability" and not whatever happened in Iraq. Come on, she white, she's young and she's fucking hot. It can't be because she's a woman either. There was another female soldier who was captured, paraded in front of Western journalists, and then rescued. But I am willing to bet she doesn't have TV movie pending. She was the cook from Fort Hood Tx. who hurt her foot. Remember her? I doubt it.


I am not trying to sound ungrateful or whatever. The thing is I know three war heroes personally and none of them ever got a TV show or nothing.

Dr. Floyd O'Neal was captured by the North Koreans during the Korean War. He served seven fucking years in North Korea's worst hellholes and he aint even got a write-up in the paper!
Seven years-courtesy of the N.Koreans! Give me a break.

Sgt Guy Goddard served in three fucking wars- WWII, Korea and Vietnam. He was away from his family so long that I didn't believe he existed until he came home for good. After he retired , he remodeled his house by himself and did a right admirable job. He never got a TV show.

Dave Travis was in WWII on Guada-fucking-canal! Trav killed a bunch of Japs by himself and earned three Bronze Stars! He went on to some other Pacific conflicts but where's the movie about Dave?


I am lucky as hell to have been acquainted with these folks and am grateful to each for his sacrifices. I have truly walked in the company of giants.

Carnivale:

This is pretty fucking cool show on HBO. On the surface, it's about a Carnival traveling around during the DustBowl. Beneath the surface, however, is the real story of a battle of Good Vs. Evil.

The landscape of the show is barren, dark, and brooding. There is usually a impending disaster such as a dust storm or tornado looming on the horizon. Samson, the dwarf, is supposedly the leader of the pack and gives orders directly from "Management". "Management" has it's own trailer and sleeps behind a drawn curtain. It has yet to be seen but it spoke during a recent episode. Samson looked like he was in charge until Lodz, the blind mentalist, had a meeting with Management. Samson was asked by "management " to leave.

Ben is a chain gang escapee who has the power to heal. But this power comes at a huge price- as he is healing a small child of polio, the crops around them die as the child is healed. Ben tried to heal his mother of Dust Pneumonia in the first episode but she refused and called him "Satan".

Ben's nemesis is Brother Justin, a defrocked preacher. Brother Justin has a similar power to Ben's but he believes he is "The Left Hand of God". He broke a man's neck in a recent episode and has met Ben in several cool dream sequences.

There is much going on in this show and you need to watch each episode at least twice to get a feel for it. It's got that David Lynch feel- Michael Anderson who played the Dwarf so well on Twin Peaks is Samson. But the script pays homage to Lynch with all kinds of twists and turns and quirky behavior.

Check this show out - it worth the price of a ticket to the Carnival.

Halloween on Walton's Mountain:

I spent Halloween on Walton's Mountain with Miss Moose, Disco Diva, Peaches, a way too serious grad student and some new parents. We all partied at Miss Moose's house near Olivia and John's house.

The music was very cool because I provided it from my collection. We listened to the soundtrack from The Return of the Living Dead , Donna Summer, Culture Club, Link Wray and the Wraymen, an exercise record from the 1950's, a barbershop quartet salute to the Bicentennial and The Moms and Dads. I also had the Fells, Robots Are Real, and Johnny & the Hurricanes lined up.
We had a Limbo contest complete with the Limbo Rock album by the Crosshairs(?).

Disco Diva looked like$10 million bucks as always. I swear this girl could shine wearing a plastic trashcan liner. She was a flapper and I'll post pics ASAP.

Peaches did a homage to the Scandal de Jour in Augusta, She went as a pregnant homecoming queen just like the one at Richmond Academy. We have our own little Harper Valley PTA here. We called Peaches the Ho-coming Queen.

Miss Moose went as Georgie Shrub (Bush) complete with a knife through the skull. Don't tell John Ashcroft or Miss Moose may become Missing Miss Moose! We'll search for her in the Gulag later.

I dressed in a lovely lime green pantsuit from the '70's. I had a gold lame' blouse and a gorilla mask. I had a beautiful wool wrap but it was 75 degrees so I ditched it.

Disco Diva, Peaches and I went to Bi-lo to get more wine. We had fun annoying the customers and acting the fool. I didn't talk the whole time I just made monkey sounds and scratched myself. I went over to the produce department and fondled the bananas while Disco Diva and Peaches went to get wine. The employees got a kick out of the whole show.

I made my now infamous Kitty Litter cake and served it at the party. It has two kinds of cake, vanilla pudding and melted Tootsie Rolls and is served in real cat litter box. It looked too real for some folks but Disco Diva said "This is the best shit I ever had".

I'll try to post pictures on the LEMA site so stay tuned!

G'day mate! I'm off to put some joey on the barbie!