I didn't inhale!

This is Scott Weathers and I when I was about 14 years old. He is Kim's younger brother and we used to hang out all the time. Then something called "Adulthood" got in our way and we haven't been as close as we could be. I hate that shit! Not that I want to be 14 again but for fuck's sake do all your friends have to disapper in the mist? What a way to reconnect! Our sister gets gunned down like a fuckin dog by the Columbia County Sheriff;s Department! That's too painful for anyone to bear. Anyway, pray for the Weathers family but most of all pray harder for Scott. He lost her daughter two years ago to brain cancer, now Kim and his sister, Lisa, has B-cell Lymphoma. He ain't taking it too good. It's a hard fucking row to hoe.

Columbia County Deputies murdered Kim Weathers:
Hurricane in the Atlantic-145 mph winds, G. W. Bush sucking up to fuck it up even more. Cops got the guns_ Kim's dead in a pool of blood on a hot August night. Motherfucking cops! Killers! "News Break this just in: Officer Friendly is dead! killed by friendly fire. Keystone cops sent to investigate." Pop Weathers frail old man with his head on the table crying his eyes out. He ll never see her killers. cause they hide behind a badge. congratulate themselves on a clean kill. Cops rubberstamp cops. Law abiding citizens under the gun. Cops got the gun. This ain't my country no more. fuck the cops. useless piles of pig shit. She wrote" Stay sweet and be the one." which one? Lord I m gonna die hard she wrote. Heartbroke! Bad dreams-dreaming of death at the hands of the cops. I’m a single mother please don't shoot. I‘m on Prozac please don’t shoot. Don't mourn organize! Joe Hill said. Took her to the prom. I hate coming home for this. It‘s a hard walk across that yard. I crawled it once a long time ago. The bathroom is still in the same place- some things even Wal Mart can t change. I went back home and the light had gone out .I just cried .Everybody hurts sometimes. Every cop is a criminal and all you sinners saints! Some people know what time it is and some don t. Don t give me no church jive. I want nothing from Readers Digest or Ann Landers. Don t give me platitudes or you ll get attitude. Kim s dead and gone and the world is fucked. That face and smile . Love hurts! I want to be your boyfriend 8 years old. Mind your business she gets me told. Kim smile! funky glasses and a checkered dress. The bright spots are few and far between. It s a mean old world. Amen Little Milton!

Cigars, CD's, and things going on

So much stuff goin on on all fronts. I found another cigar I like called Quorum and it is actually more in my price range. I smoke St Luis Rey most of the time but at $3.50 a pop who can afford this for long? Quorum is from Nicaragua and it is a good smoke. They are about half the price of St. Luis's and are just as satisfying. One day when the cash train makes a long stop here I plan to smoke Montecristos. They cost about $10-$18 dollars a piece! My hero, Kinky Freidman (cigar aficionado, musician, crime novel writer) smokes Montecristo#2 and always writes about good they are. I guess when you sell a lot of books you can afford the best.

I am working on my new CD as we speak. After all these years of putting it off I am going to put it out. I just plain ran out of excuses! I am going to do the whole thing myself and I mean the whole thing. I am going to pull a Prince and play all the instruments, do the arranging, producing and mastering. I have most of the drums ready to go, I wrote the songs so I have a basic arrangement in mind and I have the editing software. It's gonna take a while so be patient.

Peaches' Birthday or why are there two of her?

Disco Diva, Peaches/Papa Smurf, Ransom, Angie/Justin, MJ, Dicey, Papa Smurf's flight instructor, Leslie Delicious, Amy/Jay,Curley, King Louie /Connie and Faye/Me celebrated Peaches' birthday. We started calmly enough at Nacho Mama's with a few margaritas and food. Justin and I talked about hunting rattlesnakes in Burke county and made some vague plans about a mini roundup. We will only 'hunt' along the dirt roads and not off in the bushes. This is dangerous enough without giving Mr. Rattler any more advantages. We plan to use a pellet gun to the head to stun Mr. Rattler then we'll slip a noose on him (from a good distance). After that it's time to toss him in the bucket and close the lid.

The party had a change of venue when we left Mexico and traveled to Hale Tiki. There it really cranked when the scorpion bowls, mango coolers, and Fog Cutters started to flow. Scorpion Bowls are a community drink between 3-4 people (separate straws) and can help you feel in tune with others real quick! Leslie D and I drank most of one while Curley and Faye quaffed another. I think we had several bowls going at once between all the people and everybody got happy! King Louie got a Fog Cutter that tasted like insecticide but he bravely clung to the drinker's code-"if you buy it, you drink it". I tried that with La Florida but the cloying orange and chocolate flavors started to turn my stomach and I didn't want to miss Modjeska.

We stumbled to Modjeska after our time at the Tiki bar and finally arrived at the White Party. I had been looking forward to this all week. Everyone wore white garments mostly. Some were decked all in white while others had on the obligatory shirt or pants. Modjeska is/was a vaudeville theatre that has been renovated into a cool as hell disco. I can't dance worth shit but I love to go there and join in the mass of booties shaking. The music was loud as a jet plane and the decor has a 1940's vibe that gets me everytime.

For some reason, Amy/Jay didn't get in and that's too bad because the midgets were out. She confided in us last week that midgets give her the creeps. This was a very Dylanesque scene in the bar with everyone dressed in white, the fog machine blowing and two midgets dancing around. The circus atmosphere was punctuated by Curley dancing shirtless and Disco Diva just dancing. Leslie D.was a divine addition to our dancing party and she apparently had a real good time!

Faye and I left the club and stumbled up the street with Leslie D and Disco Diva in tow. We remanded said lovelies to the company of Dicey who drove them home.

Next time, we'll have to talk about dead Confederates, new studio toys, more records and smelly old ladies at yard sales.

Dreaming of Athens and Demented are Go!

I just woke up from a dream where Ort was saying he needed a copy of Demented are Go's Mongoloid on 45. I went to the website for Demented Are Go and that song is not on a 45. Isn't that veird? (Johannes Vander Smut- Austin Power's Goldmember). Anyway, that reminds me to write about last weekend's trip to Athens.
I did run into Ort at Copper Creek Brewery after stopping in for a cool glass of HeifeWeizen. It was about 150 degrees outside and Dylan and I were hot and thirsty. I was about halfway down the beer when Ort ambled in off the sweltering sidewalk. Hannah mosied in not long after that and we all caught up on the latest goings on.
The big Ort news is that Renaldo & Clara were due to be in Athens that very night! I call DJ Hack Renaldo because he is married to a woman named Clara. If you don't know about Renaldo and Clara look up Dylan, Bob/filmography. Anyway, it seems they made the trip from Brazil to stay with Ort for a month. Something got lost in translation and Renaldo & Clara were without digs. I heard from Ort that they had even planned a side trip to Augusta to vist with your humble narrator. Anyway, they ended up taking a car trip to New York and beyond that it is a mystery. I missed them that night I guess as I never got a call from Ort or anyone.
I got a great band/song name from Ort- he has thousands listed- Dance the Tired Clown. How about that for a band name? I like it better than The Neesie Mills Experience.

I visited Devlin Thompson at Bizarro Wuxtry and he schooled me about the latest DVD offering of Don Knotts movies. There is a triolgy that has The Love God and two other Knott's classics on it. I saw the R.Lee Ermy 12" figure (talking) of Gunnery Sgt. Hartmann from Full Metal Jacket. It was way cool but the $36.95 retail put me off. There were Simpson's figures and lots of cool shit tucked away in the best comic store in the world.

While we were there a little bird told me the greatest gossip about the last plantation at which I was employed (in serfdom I like to say). My former Massa was Athens Regional Medical Center where I was enslaved for 11 years. Ms. Betty was my overseer on the Psych Unit and I made lots of friends with the other serfs. I got to know Jack LaLaine real well and he and I kept the place in stitches for a long time. Jack had been there longer than me and he was there after I left. I guess that makes him a WillBee defined as "an employee who was on the job when you came and they will be there when you leave". Anyway, I always figured Jesus would come back before Jack LaLaine left the Psych Unit. The story goes something like this: Jack was pissed off about some new policy or something they were doing on the unit. A couple of weeks ago he had just come on shift and was waiting for report to start. All of sudden he got up and clocked out. He supposedly said something about going home and left. Allegedly, he called the next day and told them he wanted to go on a Leave of Absence.

The "official" story being floated by the overseers seems to leave out the bit about the LOA and makes it look like he walked out with no intention of returning. That's just about typical for that bunch-to spread half the truth around and try to sell it as the Gospel. Anyway, I worry about Jack, this is not like him to actually to walk off from a job he has had for so long.

Hannah and I paid a visit to Batman And Robin. They are the proud parents of Little Hudson O'Donnell who showed up on time and in very good health. Robin is looking healthy and motherly while Paulie (BatMan) is beaming proud. Hudson is a born and bred Southerner even if Mamaandem is from New Yawk. Mamaandem ain't that a happy word? It's a blending of the the phrase Mama and them and it is used in a sentence like this: We saw Mamaandem last night. Translated to: We spent time with mother and the family last night. You can be a true Southerner if you were born in the South but Mamaandem is from someplace else. I think Batman and Robin are going to be good parents because they are starting him off right by raising him in Athens, Ga. BTW, Batman- thanks for the CD's.All of them rock!

We did eat at the Grill and the Taco Stand in the same trip. We made trips to Wuxtry, Junkman's Daughter and X Ray Cafe. I missed Producto, Charlie Mustard, Ed Harris, Patterson Hood, The Globe and the Manhattan. Saved them for next time I guess!

Ba Da Bing! and watch them clear heels honey!
I went with some friends to a strip club last night and afterwards I came home and took a shower! I still can't feel clean. Augusta, Ga will never be known for its strip clubs as long as the same crew run the joints. For gosh sakes! hire me as a consultant, I'll fix it up quick.

First of all any potential strippers have to pass an IQ test(I know how smart do you have to be to take your clothes off?) You need to be smarter than a box of hair to work for me. If you're going to hustle drinks, you need to be able to at least be personable and able to interact with customers.

Second rule is NO FUCKIN' SKANKS ALLOWED! I saw eight strippers last night and only one was reasonably attractive! The rest were rejects from Fugly.com and Zombie net.There were two that I wanted to pay to put their clothes back on!
This one had a face that was like a halloween mask! Fuckin' Butt Ugly and she was supposed to be one of the better looking ones.
Two had fried eggs for tits and suffered from a malady called "No Assatol".

Third rule is Clean the Fuckin' Stage between the ass shakers! At Fantasy Show Girls, the dancers were writhing around on a dirty stage that had shimmering puddles of moisture that gleamed in the light! EW! They also were picking up money from that nasty stage and it just added to my disgust.
At Fantasy's, I almost got coldcocked with a clear heel. This African Amazon was shaking her pudenda in my friends face and she came across fast with the clear heel. It missed me but by only centimeters!

I've discovered that I have expensive tastes in cigars, coffee, liquor and strippers. Why shouldn't I enjoy the best?
Maybe I'll save my dough and go to the Gold Club in Atlanta. I'll get me a box of St Luis Rey's or Players, order me up a 7&7 and get ready for a good show.

I wonder if gay men have strip clubs like we do? I'm not that interested in seeing a guy take his clothes off. I do it everyday. I just bet you won't see a 300 pound stevadore named Al
wallowing in his bulk on stage. It doesn't happen. You won't see Flabbio writhing in his G-string and mouthing the words to "Hot Girls". I doubt gay men put up with that shit and neither should we. Straight men should take back the strip clubs, oust the perverts and fulfill our dreams of seeing young, firm, beautiful women shaking thier moneymakers!

Surf, sand, cigars, Sopranos, shitty bands and Helga the She Wolf

We rented a condo at Hilton Head SC for two weeks. The first week Dylan and his pals were supposed to have to themselves as a graduation gift. The first night some oversensitive neighbors called security and we got fined a $100.00 for noise ordinance violations! It appears the kids were having too much fun watching a movie and some old fart ratted them out. I think it might have been the Slovak woman in the lower apartment. She reminds me of Helga, She Wolf of the SS from those old '60's movies about the concentration camps. There were a series of cheapo exploitation films that used German prison camps as a backdrop for nudity, light S&M, and lesbianism.
Anyway, Helga is the likely suspect and I wanted to confront her directly but I had no proof. I did get off a good one within earshot of her- I told Dylan that someone is keeping a sharp eye out for trouble here at Stalag 17.
It wouldn't have been so bad if the owner of the condo wasn't my fucking boss! The security people called Dorf and woke him up at 7 am with this good news. He called my wife right away and pissed in her Captain Crunch! Being married means you share things like Captain Crunch that has been peed in.
We called my brother immediately and had him and his family go down there and stay for the remainder of the week. So here's is thing, Dylan had two girls and two guys with him. Both girls are hot and the guys were going home after two days! If they hadn't had the noise problem, he would have been down there with two girls by himself! As it turned out, he got my brother, his wife, and their children aged 11 and 3. Ha! Ha! He got his sister too but that's not a bad thing!

We got down there on Saturday and Dylan had a bad sunburn. It was the icky kind complete with blisters and oozing junk! He stayed in the house the entire week and played video games.

The beach was beautiful at night. I walked down there one night after a few large 7&7 to smoke my Te Amo cigar. There was a storm on the water and the moon kept hiding behind the clouds. Lightning flashed and the moon was so pretty over the water... I wanted to whisper sweet nothings in my own ear but I'd heard it all before anyway...I could have taken advantage of myself right then and there. I looked so hot with my gut hanging over my belt and my hairy feet.

The Goddess of Thrift was generous this trip. I scored an almost complete set of the Sopranos season 1 on VHS, a copy of The Brady Bunch first album, a copy of a Steam engine recording, and a real cool painting with an Afro Cuban motif. I almost bought a slightly used copy of a Marlon Brando album but turned it down. If I had known he was going to croak...


We saw Spiderman 2 while on the island. It was great and I loved Doc Ock. He was really intense with those mechanical arms. Kirsten Dunst was hot as always.

We ate supper at the King's Wharf Underwater Grotto. It was a decent seafood buffet and dessert bar. There was a twenty foot statue of Neptune watching you while you ate and there were plenty of plastic fish suspended from the ceiling. One of the perk of buying the buffet was you got a "free" ticket to see The Holiday Band. Now dig this, the band is so shitty you have give me a "free" ticket to see them?? WTF? We went in prepared to heckle them and leave but things quickly changed. There were two hotties sitting a table away from us and we kept trying to get Dylan to ask them to dance. They gave him the hairy eyeball more than once but he just didn't get the steam up enough. Finally, Hannah went over and told the cuter one that Dylan would like to dance with her and she squealed with delight. The next thing I know he's got both of them on the floor and moving!
During the break, I requested "Rip it up" by Little Richard and the guy looked at me funny and said they don't know it! WTF? It's I, IV, V, I in any fucking key with a bridge thrown in. How hard can it be? It ain't Mozart!
We endured this band for our children's sake (ain't we good parents!) and even got a few jabs in at them. The bad news is that the guy told me they had been at it for 12 years! 12 years and you ain't learned Little Richard!

A good time was had by all despite the efforts of Helga the She Wolf, shitty bands and bad sunburns. It was time well spent away from work and other fun shit.

Unfucking Real! The Truckers finally made it to Augusta.

The Drive Bys finally made it to our little corner of Hell and played the Imperial Theater on May 29, 2004. One Eyed Jimmy and Buddy made it to the Imperial in time for the ticket hand out and we ran into Patterson in the alley and caught up for awhile. It was great to see him and we did the old bear hug when we saw each other. We traded a few stories and I noted the personnel changes in the band. Patterson said "The road will weed them out". Pizza delivery (deliverance) came to the alley and we decided to wander off and let the boys(and girl) get ready.

Paulie and the Athens Contigent made it here about 7:00pm and we all decided to skip Stewart and Winfield and go drinking. We found a good watering hole at The Tap Room and I ordered us up some Heife Weizen which is good when it's hot as Hell. Heife Weizen on draft- note to self: remember this. The Tap room band was tuning and setting up for a night's revelry while we chugged brew.

About 9 o'clock we started to get antsy and decided to wander on down. One Eyed Jimmy and I had second row seat right smack in the middle of the place.

The Truckers kicked off with "Lookout Mountain" and I was singing along at the top of my lungs. They kept right on chugging with songs off Southern Rock Opera and Decoration Day. For me one of the highlights of the evening was "The Living Bubba" from Gangstabilly.I never met Greg Smalley in person- I know him through Patterson and this song. I wished I had gone to see him before he died. I heard he played 100 shows the last year of his life and that he could barely stand up. I think I even saw a photo of him with IV's hooked up and playing another show. He was shoving it back in Death's face as AIDs took him apart. "I can't worry long 'cause I got another show to do". Man, I hope I can fight like that when the time comes.

Any way, I am going to post pics of DBT as soon as I figure out how. Until then.....

Learn to fuckin' count, Count!

My last post about the record count was off- way off! I guess my eyesight is failing or my glasses were dirty. The count was 2375 not 2275 as first posted. The actual number is now 2400 since I added some I purchased in the last two weeks.
Had some incredible finds- Eddie Cochran "Something Else" on Liberty 45rpm VG- shape.
Doug Warren and the Rays- "Around Midnight" on Image VG- shape 45 rpm. Andy Griffith "What it was was Football" on Capitol Ep 45 PS in Vg+ shape. The Beatles "Introducing the Beatles" on Vee Jay LP 33. I'm still not sure about this one as I haven't researched the Beatles price guide. I can't figure out if it's an US or UK pressing or if it is a US pressing is it east coast or west coast? I have figured out it is not one of the super duper rare ones with the oval logo. These are worth about $300-$600 depending on condition. I'll take mine whatever the premium on it 'cause it's a great record in terrific shape.
Last post I was going on about Butcher covers and whatnot. I did find a copy of Yesterday and Today without the Butcher aprons. It was trashed along with Let It Be, Revolver and Magical Mystery Tour. I rescued that copy of The Beatles on Vee Jay from the same box where these other would be treasures were stored. I wish some people took better care of their freakin' records!

We had a good week for music- with all the Thrift store finds and record rescues. We saw Prince in Columbia, SC. It was way too fucking awesome to include in this post. I could write three or four posts on the show because it was that good! Don't miss the Musicology Tour when it rolls into your town. More on that later!

2275, two thousand two hundred seventy five! 2275, Can't say it enough!


I just got through cataloging my record collection and there are 2275 total for now! That's 2275 pieces of vinyl-45's 78's and LPs I haven't even started the CD collection and probably won't until after we finish recording. 2275 represents about twenty years of record collecting. Trips to the flea market, thrift store, yard sales and radio stations have yielded this massive collection. I have thrifted in Ga, SC, tenn, KY, Delaware, England and France. I live for this shit- To go out empty handed on a Saturday morning and return with a boatload of vinyl, toys, and books-Man that's the life!
Things have changed since I started thrifting at the tender age of 14. I didn't buy records at first because I had a snotty attitude "Who wants to listen to this Beatles shit? This cover looks kinda cool with them in Butcher's outfits and the babys all chopped up and bloody." ( I don't think I ever turned away a Butcher's cover but I did have an attitude). For those of you wondering what the hell I'm talking about the Beatles put out a record called Yesterday and Today . The original covers had a picture of the band dressed as Butchers and all around them were bloody parts of plastic dolls. The record company got squeamish about lawsuits and more lawsuits so they pulled the record and changed the cover. A few of the real Butcher covers got out and they are worth a small fortune if you can find them. I'm sure I passed over some great records in those days -if I knew then what I know now!
I had some great thrift teachers along the way- Kurt Wood, Ort, Geoff Sila, Mike Webb, Paul Thomas, Kitty and Gertrude. Mike Webb and I went to H.L. Green's dept. store in Augusta, Ga during its closeout. We bought Muddy Waters and Howlin Wolf 45s on the Chess label for fifty cents each! This was in 1980 and some of these records had been there for years. The saddest thing I ever saw while thrifting was in Guthrie, KY. There was a record store that had been closed for many years and the records were still in the store in display cases! The place looked like it closed in the '60s and all these great records were languishing there baking in the sun.
Geoff Sila and I went to the record store in L.A. near Melrose Place. He worked there for a while. We got a Butchers cover, a Dick Dale album and many other rare records and set them up on the counter to take photos of them. I got the bright idea to include Porn so we got a bunch of adult videos and set them up along side the treasures. We goofed with the porn and records and got some classic shots.
My Top 5 thrift store finds of all time are as follows:
1) The Shaggs- Philosophy of the World- Red Rooster label price-$2.00
2) Blind Willie Johnson- Jesus make up my Dyin Bed- Decca 78-price $1.00
3)Jimmie Rodgers-In the Jailhouse Now- Decca 78 -price $1.00
4)Springback James-Decca 78 -price $0.25
5) ZZ Top- Salt Lick/Millers Farm on Scat label- $0.05-one crummy nickel!
I'm worn out from all the typing so I am off to watch High Fidelitywith John Cusack and Jack Black.

Marital bliss and other delusions

We have this friend who is actively contributing to her own unhappiness by instigating a "trial separation" from her husband. I am not aware that this guy did anything to bring this on but it looks like he's getting the short end of the deal. He hasn't done any of the guaranteed marriage enders like adultery, stealing from her, spousal abuse or excessive drinking. It looks like she might be bored or need a greener pastures.
She gives him the typical female bullshit lines like "trial separation", " we can be friends" and "I don't want to hurt him". These are all convenient loads of crap women tell themselves to sleep better after they unleash the bombs.
If she really doesn't want to hurt him then why did she drive a red hot skewer through his chest? Bullshit! She wants to see him writhing in pain. There is something gratifying about seeing the male in as much pain as possible when she plays innocent on the sidelines.
How about the trite and utterly wicked phrase "We can be friends" I have been hit with that one in my life and it pisses me off. If a man has any self respect at all, he'll tell his tormenter to fuck herself right then. Nothing grows in scorched earth honey!
How about "trial separation"? What a load of shit. He ought to mark it "D" for dead and get on with his thing.
This guy really is getting the better deal in this. Unlike most of us schumcks, he's got a job that is opportunity for major booty! He's the tennis pro at a fancy country club. He'll be getting more ass that Harry Connick Jr. and he gets rid that albatross in the process. Lucky stiff!
If I was him I be sure to send her lots of pictures of me with hot babes! Maybe take a few in the hot tub and show his selfish ex what's she missing!

"The more you know the more you'll suffer" Masked and Anonymous.

I bought a copy of Bob Dylan's new movie Masked and Anonymous and watched it four times so far. I like it although it is hard to warm up to. Bob wrote the screenplay under a pseudonym and had a hand in directing it. It is about a washed up rock singer named Jack Fate who is in jail for whatever. His manager, Uncle Sweetheart,
bails him out to do a benefit concert for medical relief. The story is set in a mythical country where a civil war has left everyone destitute. There is a dying dictator who turns out to be Jack's father and a cast of wild characters.
On the surface, the movie doesn't seem to make much sense but if you watch several times it becomes more like a Dylan song with strange characters and lots of dry, black humor. Take Penelope Cruzs character she prays alot and does everything in threes. She knocks wood three times for good luck, she has 333 tattooed on her hand. and she crosses herself three times in three positions after she prays. Jeff Bridges plays Tom Friend, a member of the press and an all around nuisance. His relationship with Jack Fate is adversarial much like Dylan's relationship with the press. It is telling when Jack takes a bottle of Jack Daniels and breaks it off to go after Tom Friend at the end of the film. Is this wish fulfillment?
There are some great lines in this movie like when Uncle Sweetheart introduces Jack to "the only Jack Fate cover band in the world 'Simple Twist of Fate'" STOF is playing in a bar and Uncle Sweetheart announces "Not only do we have the Twist of Fate, but the Bugaloo and Cha Cha Cha of Fate-Ladies and Gentlemen -Jack Fate!!!" For the neophyte- STOF is a Bob Dylan song from the 1970's and one he still plays in concert.
There is a scene when Jack is about to enter the gate at the concert site. He has some dialogue with an armed guard who says "They got you for this show?" Jack says "Yeah! I still got a few songs left in me." How telling!
If you want answers about Bob Dylan/Jack Fate from this movie- you'll have either check with the police or wait until the wind blows because the answer is...... blowin' somewhere.

"Not everybody can be as happy as Rod Stewart."- a Muslim proverb

Thing have settled down for my friend at the pencil factory. He is still having difficulty with his supervisor. Apparently, the boss told him the other day to "Get the lead out" and this led to more animosity. The factory is located in 2, Mississippi between 1, Mississippi and 3, Mississippi. It is often confused with No.2, Mississippi which is actually located between Onepelo and Tupelo. What happened was he sent an order for 10,000 No.2 pencils to Graphite Point, Miss. Instead of 2 Mississippi.. My friend thought he had been canned but now he has a firmer grip on things there. He is sharpening his clerical abilities and hopes to make a point of telling his boss about his improvement.

Smeera is the Guardian of Thrift for the greater Louisville, Kentucky metropolitan area and has recently made an appearance in our humble town. She relates that the Louisville area is in good hands and has been fruitful to the disciples of DAV, Goodwill and Salvation Army. She is also responsible for the Muslim proverb at the head of this missive. Here's the skinny on it: Her parents are traditional Muslims from Bangladesh and can arrange dates for their children. Her father sent her out on a date with a man and even though they had a good time, there was no "spark". Her father asked her later about how it went and she said "Okay" and left it at that. He replied "Not everyone can be as happy as Rod Stewart."

Midgets with canes and Pro wrestling:
My favorite midget with a cane is Samson from Carnival on HBO. Disco Diva did you pick up the tape of last season? Samson is played by Michael Anderson, who was the dancing midget on Twin Peaks.

Midget wrestling? WTF ever happened to midget wrestling? There is no more fun in the world than to watch midgets chase each other around the squared circle. I guess the PC police snatched that one away while I wasn't looking. The only thing more entertaining than midget wrestling is midget porn! I haven't actually watched any midget porn (except for that porno about Santa's elves doing some chick in the back of a limo) but it don't count because there were Christmas trees and Nativity scenes in there too.
I did see a porno at X Mart about Bridgette the Midget, the world's only midget pornstar. I didn't rent it though but I thought somebody bought it for Dicey or was it Deb?

Visit notproud for an online confessional. It is a place where you can anonymously confess your deepest, darkest wants and desires. The seven deadlies are there and I like the Lust offerings the best. It provides a glimpse into the most private desires of a lot of people. I haven't posted yet and am still lurking in the cyber shadows.
See you soon

Playin' the Wal Mart game at Olive Garden

Jeff at the West Virginia Surf Report website has invented a game called the Wal Mart game. It's pretty simple- you go to any Wal Mart store and count the number of birth defects visible during your shopping trip. You get so many points for a club foot, so many for a hair lip, and so many for other congenital abnormalities. You can calculate the tooth to tattoo ratio. This is an inverse mathematical relationship- the more tattoos someone has the fewer teeth they have. Gunshot wounds, knife wounds and injuries related to attempted rape of bovines counts in the final tally. Goiters, extra fingers and toes, giant facial warts all count.

We played this tonight at Olive garden without meaning to.There was a two year old there with some kinda mushroom growing on her little face! It was gross! Why didn't the parents have this damn thing taken off. It must not be a problem of money. If you can afford Olive Garden you can go downtown and pay 25 cents for a rat to gnaw it off! Some people.
If they don't take care of it soon the other kids will come up to her and think it's a doorbell or a doorknob! WTF?
Somebody else had their Downs child out. It musta been Special ED night at Olive Garden- bring a feeb and get 10% off! Some people will do anything to save 10%
Next time we go we're going to take Uncle Jack with us. He's the best shit slinger at the nursing home and a prolapsed anus. He farts like foghorn and stains furniture. He's a real cut up!
Let's all get together and go. See you there!

Cataloging records, eight tracks, CDs, cassettes and dead relatives.

I bought a copy of For the Record a music cataloging system for the PC. It is Windows driven and fairly easy to use but I don't really like it. It has a quirk that will not allow you to add any punctuation to a category. Instead of Dylan, Bob for an artist's name you have to enter Dylan Bob. It just looks odd to me. There is no cross reference ability on this one either. You can't cross reference Ian McColluch to Echo and the Bunnymen or The Jesus and Mary Chain. BTW, the Jesus and Mary Chain reads as Jand Mchain in my database because the stupid thing only allows space for 15 letters and no special characters like the & (ampersand). I started with this program and will probably use it to the finish. I have 498 artists listed so far and 478 albums and 45's counted. That's A-Dy in the albums and Abba- Costello, Elvis in the 45's. I used this program to get where I am and I don't think it will export very well.
This program doesn't allow for multiple entries of the same record with different covers or matrix numbers. For example. I have four copies of the soundtrack to Gone With The Wind each bearing a different matrix number and release date. Each record is unique but For the Record looks at titles first. I had to get real creative with the titles to get those in.
I am gonna quit bitching about this program and use it until I find something else.

What did the monkey say to the leopard at the card game?
You look like a cheetah to me!

Great Shimmering Monkey Jizz! What was that?

This fucking gray thing splashed out of the toilet and ran into the wall near the new computer hutch. My son yelled something like "Great balls of Caesar!" and the chase began. The dogs were dumbfounded for a split second until Cleo made the mental leap and then she went tearing ass after it. Dylan ran to let the cat in and she scared the beast back into the kitchen. Gert, Brandy and Cleo worked like a team and chased the thing around the floor. It ran near the laundry basket and hid under Faye's Chieftains T shirt. At this point, I broke a Swiffer over its head and Cleo grabbed it. She shook it until it didn't move and hauled it under the bed. I got the flashlight and looked under the bed. Blood was splattered on the floor and Cleo held onto her prize. We finally talked her away from it and pulled it from under the bed. I wacked it one more time for fun and it was deader than Bob Dole's dick before Viagra.
Of course , we got the sponge mop and a bucket of cleanser to get up the mess before Faye came home.
Faye came home and the Chieftains went in the trash. We debated about telling the women how the thing got in the house. But we decided to not tell would be worse. Faye didn't really know that rats can come up through the toilet and both women looked squeamish at the thought of sitting on the throne. Since we only sit half the time, I guess the odds are less.

A word to the wise- this is the second time I have had rats come into the house via the toilet. Ladies and gentlemen beware or you might get a surprise when dropping the children off at day care!

Chico and the Monkey Man!

On this other website I visit, there is a forum devoted to any subject and these two whiney political junkies are arguing back and forth about the upcoming election. There 's the usual name calling and dissing. I told them they remind me of the Spider monkeys which Bower's dept store used to sell.

A long time ago kids, you could buy Spider monkeys legally. Now you can't because there 's some rumor about a "disease" they carry. Big fucking deal! I had a Spider monkey as a pet and look how I turned out. Ok, maybe that's not a good example!

Anyways, Bower's Department store used to sell them in their pet department. There were two in a cage and they had them housed males with males etc. My brother and I used to beg our parents to shop at Bower's just so we could spend the entire time in the pet section.
The monkeys at Bower's would put on a show that can't be duplicated anywhere. They would try to jerk each off, butt fuck each other and fling shit better than Uncle Jack at the nursing home. One would chase the other around and hold him down while he tried to sodomize him. It was Gay Monkey Porn!
When they weren't honing their cornholing skills, they would sit on a limb and jerk each other off. Great Shining Monkey Jizz!

I owned one of these fine creatures and I think I coined the phrase " You sick little monkey!" Mine was named Chico and he was da man! Chico lived in a cage at my grandmother's house (where I live now) and we used to let him in the house to exercise. Once he pissed on my aunt's head and she had a cow! Another time, he shit in his hand and handed to her. He loved her dearly!
He would eat food pellets and fruit out of your hand and never got aggressive. He was calm and fun to be around. I wish some of my family was like this. It seems like some times I work with monkeys but they aren't fun like Chico.
Chico got sick one day and we took him to the vet. They gave us some kind of medicine but he died despite that. He died an awful death and that's all I have to say about that!

My point is that during this horrible political season there will be a lot of dissing and shit slinging. I'll try to endure it by thinking about Chico and the Bower's monkeys.

The analog equipment fairies are at it again!

I forgot to mention in my last post that I also inherited an Akai four track reel to reel as well as the Peavey 1200. This week I scored a Teac x-300 two track and over a hundred LPs!
I culled through the records, decided to keep about forty, sixty I set aside for possible sale and the rest are going to the Thrift Goddess's waste can. I have a store where I only dump records and never buy. It's a secret locale known only to the inner circle of Thrift gurus.

I got a call from my Thrift Goddess and third grandmother, Thelma "Kitty" Murphy. She was a friend of my grandmother and knew her from the second grade until she died a few years ago. Kitty was unable to attend my grandma's funeral because she was the victim of a home invasion a few days before the funeral. She went to stay with a cousin and we couldn't locate her.


Anyway, she is 91 years old this month and she said she hadn't been by to see us because she was too busy at bingo! She drives herself too! I talked with her last week and she rattled off all the places she plays: Kroger, Wal Mart, Popeyes, and several more.
She used to square dance on a regular basis but now she plays bingo every day.
She plays a wicked ragtime/boogie woogie piano but she has steadfastly refused to let me tape her. Maybe this will be the year!
Kitty is my Thrift Goddess because she and my grandmother used to take me to the thrift stores all the time. I had the usual reaction of the novice at first- "Ew, someone else wore this! or I hate Elvis Presley! Who plays 78's any more?" After a while I finally got the hang and learned to love it. As a result, I have thrifted up and down the East Coast and in Europe.
Her house is a thrifter's paradise. She has it packed full of stuff and has little paths to and from important places.
I am glad to report that Thrift Goddess and Bingo Queen is still sharp and able to get around.

A Thrifter's Prayer: May you be 91 and still able to cull through records, books and CDs. May you remain sharp but be open to the wonder of cheap plastic toys. May they drag your earthly remains from behind the 2 for 1 records pile and cart you off to the Goodwill in the sky.

Rock n roll memorabilia and other stuff.

The deal was finalized today and I now own the Peavey 1200 twelve channel mixing board that REM and Jason and the Nashville Scorchers used for the legendary show at the lunchroom at Augusta College in 1982. Notice I said Nashville Scorchers. They dropped the Nashville off the name later on. But in 1982, they were Jason and the Nashville Scorchers and Reckless Country Soul had just been released.

I don't remember the exact date but it was likely April or May of that year. Rem was on the Pilgrimage Tour (their second!) and Jason and the Nashville Scorchers were not known in these parts. Chronic Town was probably in can and due to be released in August 1982.

The cafeteria show was the brain child of Mike Webb who was commuting between Augusta and Athens to go to school. We were hanging out, listening to the Clash , Sex Pistols, rem, Pylon and X. Mike knew the bands fairly well and set up the deal for them to play the cafeteria. He and I went before the Student Council and told them it would be an rem and Jason show. They balked at first but after we badgered the hell out of them, the show was on.

The day of the show I get a frantic call from Mike. Neither band owned a mixing board and could not play without it. Did I know where we could borrow a board at the 11th hour? Of course, I made a call to some other gifted musicians, Kathleen and George Cartledge and borrowed their board (the Peavey 1200). Everything was cool!
We dropped the board off at the soundcheck and returned later for the show. This show is legendary around these parts. Jason and the Nashville Scorchers played a smokin' set that would become their trademark to this day. Warner Hodges wrapped himself in guitar cables and shoved cigarettes in his nose! Rem played like there was no tomorrow. We danced and danced and had the time of our lives.

Somewhere during all this mayhem, the volume faders were pushed to maxium and two LED meters blew out. That's not a big thing and it didn't stop the show. But it's not cool to fuck up any equipment especially borrowed gear. George talked with rem after the show and told them it happened during their set. They were cool and agreed to pay for the damages. Two weeks later , he gets a check from the band to pay for the gear. They weren't making big bucks at this time so I imagine it hurt a little to pony up the money.

I wish George had made a copy of the check before he cashed it. I think that would make this story just a little cooler.

I have two pieces of Rock n roll memorabilia in the studio. In addition to the Peavey 1200, I have a cassette deck that Jack Logan and Rob Veal used to mix down Bulk. Maybe between these two pieces of equipment some good karma will rain down on the sounds I create.

Nappy Head Gear- Happy New Year!

Maybe this is the year Pete Rose finally makes it to the Hall of Fame? I wouldn't hold my breath- He 's about as sincere as carney at Midway game. I wanted to believe in him until he opened his mouth- he sounds like any alcoholic or drug addict. If his mouth is open he's lying! He just don't get it! He's a gambler pure and simple and he ain't gonna change. He bet on the game and his own team and it says in big block letters in the clubhouse- if you do this you get banished for life. No Cooperstown for you Bub!

D. J Hack has done it again. Somehow, he persuaded the Vultures Motorcycle club somewhere in Brazil to have their picture taken with the Barking Cat logo. Please go to our website listed somewhere around here to see the pic. But not this minute because I haven't posted it yeti.
He says it ain't much of a motorcycle club as they one have one bike per ten guys!! But the bike they do have is very cool-it's got Batman designs and some kind of castle on the trailer. I guess it's a portable castle and we all know how handy those are! Thanks Vultures!

The Goddess of Thrift (Saint Gertrude of the Alley) has been good to yours truly of late. I scored a Johnny Cash I walk the Line lp on Columbia, a Pink Panther nightlite from the '60's (it works!), a 45 rpm of "Telephone Man" by Meri Wilson ( Hey Lolly Lolly, it's the Telephone Man), two Video discs from the '80's (The Firesign Theater and The Magnificent Seven) and a stack of '78's. I would like to thrift in Brazil with DJ hack and the Vultures!

Good luck in 2004!

My Christmas wish- Michael Jackson amd Saddam Hussein in the same damn jail cell!

It ain't gonna happen in 2003 but maybe by 2010, these two boils on the ass of humanity will swappin' spit and Valentines in federal prison near you!
I couldn't believe when they flashed this asshole's mug on the screen early Sunday morning. He looked like he'd been buttfucked by several camels and left for dead. He looked like one of the homeless guys who panhandle near the 5th Street bridge. This guy was a dictator??? I guess all these punks look small and insignificant without their guns and bodyguards.

What punishment for him? First off, he can't be killed but once so the death penalty is rather moot. He definitely deserves it but it seems trivial since he can only die once.
He needs to be kept out of the International Court at the Hague because those pussies have no backbone or credibilty. He won't get the death penalty there. He needs to be tried in an Iraqui court by an American/Iraqui tribunal and given a fair trial. After that he needs to be visited by some Kurdish families who lost love ones in the 1988 massacre. Or he could be housed in an isolation cell near some Kurdish prisoners. Sometimes the threat of violence is more effective than the actual event.

Maybe since he hates the West so much we could house him at San Quentin or Atlanta and make him watch American TV on a daily basis. The TV would never be turned off and he would be bombarded with Western decadence until he begs for death. Could you imagine Jerry Springer, soap operas and inane commercials day and night for years? At first he wouldn't get it but after so much exposure to the language and culture, he would begin to crack. We could make him watch bad TV movies and car ads and Fran Drescher!!!!

I think this is a viable alternative to death penalty and is a fitting punishment for someone like him!